Philly Style Mac And Cheese

The year mark passed. March third, 2019. One year.

I woke at five the way I always do, and I lay in the bed and I let myself feel it—the full weight of what the day was—and then I got up and I went to the kitchen and I started cooking. Mac and cheese first. Always mac and cheese first, because that is what Marcus asked for in the dream and the dream is the reason the kitchen is on, and I will honor the dream every March third for as long as I have breath. The roux. The milk. The cheese. The oven. The smell of it filling the house.

Calvin came to the kitchen around six and found me already cooking and he put his arms around me from behind the way he sometimes does and he stood there holding me in front of the stove for a full minute and neither of us said anything. There is nothing to say. There is only the standing, and the arms around, and the stove on, and the cheese melting, and the fact that we are still here, two people who loved a boy with their whole hearts, who love him still, who will love him until they follow him wherever he is now.

CJ came. Destiny came. I cooked all day: the mac and cheese, fried chicken, collard greens, banana pudding, sweet potato pie. I set Marcus's place with the white candle. We ate. We named him. CJ told the parking-lot-driving story again and I said, "CJ, you've told that story four times," and he said, "It gets better every time," and it does. It gets better every time. We sat at the table until nine PM, long after the food was gone, just talking, just being the family that remains. The family that remains. That is who we are. We remain. We remain together. We remain for Marcus. We remain because remaining is the thing.

I served dinner Tuesday. Bernice's Table doesn't open until next month but the regular Tuesday dinner happened and I stood at the serving station and fed thirty-eight people and I thought: Marcus, do you see this? Do you see what your leaving has made in me? I couldn't have told you this would happen. I couldn't have planned this from where I was a year ago. But here I am. Here is the food. Here are the people eating it. You are in every plate. Every single plate.

This is the mac and cheese I made that morning — the one I started before the sun was fully up, the one Calvin found me making when he came to the kitchen and put his arms around me without a word. I’ve made it every March third since we lost Marcus, and I will make it every March third that remains to me. It’s a Philly-style — creamy, sharp, baked until the top is just right — and it is the first thing I cook because it was the first thing that came to me in the dream. If you make it, make it slow. Let the roux come together the way it wants to. Let the cheese melt all the way through. That’s the whole point.

Prep Time: 20 min | Cook Time: 45 min | Total Time: 1 hr 5 min | Servings: 8

Ingredients

1 lb elbow macaroni
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 1/2 cups whole milk, warmed
1 cup heavy cream
2 cups sharp cheddar cheese, shredded
1 cup Gruyere cheese, shredded
1/2 cup provolone cheese, shredded
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard powder
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Salt and black pepper to taste
1/2 cup panko breadcrumbs
2 tablespoons butter, melted (for topping)
1/4 cup sharp cheddar, shredded (for topping)

Instructions

Cook the pasta. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Cook elbow macaroni according to package directions until just al dente — do not overcook, as it will continue cooking in the oven. Drain and set aside.
Make the roux. In a large heavy-bottomed saucepan over medium heat, melt 4 tablespoons butter. Whisk in the flour and cook, stirring constantly, for 1 to 2 minutes until the roux smells nutty and turns a pale golden color.
Build the sauce. Slowly pour in the warmed milk, whisking continuously to prevent lumps. Add the heavy cream. Cook over medium heat, whisking often, until the sauce thickens enough to coat the back of a spoon, about 6 to 8 minutes.
Add the cheese. Reduce heat to low. Add mustard powder, garlic powder, onion powder, and cayenne. Add the cheddar, Gruyere, and provolone one handful at a time, stirring fully between each addition until smooth and completely melted. Season with salt and pepper.
Combine. Add the drained macaroni to the cheese sauce and stir gently until every piece is coated. Pour the mixture into a greased 9x13-inch baking dish and spread evenly.
Make the topping. In a small bowl, combine the panko breadcrumbs with the melted butter and the remaining 1/4 cup shredded cheddar. Stir to coat. Sprinkle evenly over the top of the mac and cheese.
Bake. Preheat oven to 375°F. Bake uncovered for 25 to 30 minutes, until the top is golden and the edges are bubbling. Let rest for 5 minutes before serving.

Nutrition (per serving)

Philly Style Mac And Cheese — The Recipe I Cook Every March Third