"Everything" Guacamole — The Dip That Shows Up to Every Houston Party Anyway

Six years of writing this blog. Week 1 was March 28, 2016 — Emma sat me down at my kitchen table, opened a laptop, and said "Dad, you need to write these stories down before you forget them." I told her I wasn't a writer. She said I was a talker and that was close enough. She wasn't wrong. Six years and almost three hundred posts later, I'm still not a writer. But I'm a talker with a keyboard, and apparently that's a thing people want to read.

I spent most of the week prepping for Emma's engagement party, which is next weekend. The menu has been through four revisions in my head and has now settled into its final form: the brisket (obviously — fish sauce lemongrass rub, fourteen hours over oak), spring rolls with both shrimp and pulled pork versions, Mai's pickled daikon and carrot slaw, a big pot of congee for the early arrivals, and the smoked queso because you cannot have a Houston gathering without queso. That's not a preference, it's a municipal ordinance.

Spent Monday sourcing. Fourteen-pound brisket from the butcher on Bellaire — prime grade, good marbling, the kind of brisket that makes you stand at the meat counter longer than is socially acceptable. Two pounds of shrimp from the Vietnamese market. Rice paper wrappers, which I buy in bulk because I go through them like some people go through paper towels. Lemongrass from Mai's garden, because she grows it year-round and it's better than anything in a store.

Mai called Wednesday to tell me she was making spring rolls for the party. I said I was already planning to make spring rolls. She said mine were fine but hers were better. This is not an argument I can win, primarily because she is correct. I pivoted to the pulled pork version, which she does not make and therefore cannot critique. Coexistence requires strategy.

Tyler called from Midland. He's been looking at houses, following up on our conversation from a few weeks ago. He found one he likes — three bedrooms, big yard, close to the field office. He asked if I'd come up and look at it with him. I said I'd come after the engagement party. He said "You don't have to, I just thought—" and I said "I'll be there." My son asking for my opinion on a house is not something I take lightly. When I bought this place in Alief, I had no one to ask. My kids will always have someone to ask.

Made a test batch of the smoked queso Friday night to make sure the proportions were right. Velveeta, roasted poblanos, pickled jalapeños, chorizo, and brisket trimmings. Put it in a cast iron skillet on the smoker for ninety minutes. The smoke penetrates the cheese in a way that is difficult to describe and impossible to forget. Lily came by and ate half of it with tortilla chips while telling me about a wine dinner she'd organized at the Montrose restaurant. She mentioned James twice without me asking. I counted.

The smoked queso was always going to be on that party table — no debate, no revision, that’s a Houston municipal ordinance as I said. But Lily eating half the test batch off a chip reminded me that you need more than one dip when a crowd is coming, and something bright and fresh to cut through all that smoky richness is exactly the right call. This “Everything” Guacamole has been my answer to that problem for years — it earns its name, it holds up next to big flavors, and it disappears from the bowl faster than I can explain where it went.

“Everything” Guacamole

Prep Time: 15 minutes | Cook Time: 0 minutes | Total Time: 15 minutes | Servings: 8

Ingredients

• 4 ripe Hass avocados, halved and pitted
• 2 tablespoons fresh lime juice (about 2 limes)
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more to taste
• 1/2 small red onion, finely diced
• 2 Roma tomatoes, seeded and finely diced
• 1 jalapeño, seeded and minced (leave seeds in for more heat)
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/3 cup fresh cilantro leaves, roughly chopped
• 2 tablespoons pickled jalapeño slices, roughly chopped
• 1/4 cup crumbled cotija cheese
• 2 tablespoons pomegranate seeds or finely diced mango (optional, for brightness)
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/4 teaspoon smoked paprika
• Tortilla chips, for serving

Instructions

1. Scoop and season. Scoop the avocado flesh into a large bowl. Add lime juice and salt, then mash with a fork to your preferred texture — leave it a little chunky for the best result.
2. Fold in the aromatics. Add red onion, tomatoes, fresh jalapeño, and garlic. Fold gently to combine without over-mashing.
3. Add the “everything.” Stir in cilantro, pickled jalapeños, cumin, and smoked paprika. These are what take it from guacamole to “everything” guacamole — don’t skip the pickled jalapeños.
4. Top and finish. Transfer to a serving bowl. Scatter cotija cheese over the top, then add pomegranate seeds or mango if using. Finish with a light pinch of flaky salt and a few extra cilantro leaves.
5. Taste and adjust. Taste for salt and lime before serving. If making ahead, press plastic wrap directly against the surface and refrigerate up to 2 hours. Re-stir and re-season before serving.
6. Serve. Bring to the table with a big bowl of tortilla chips. Place it next to whatever else is on that party spread and watch it go first.

Nutrition (per serving)

Calories: 160 | Protein: 3g | Fat: 13g | Carbs: 10g | Fiber: 5g | Sodium: 210mg