Vegan Butternut Squash Soup

Reynaldo's death anniversary. February. Twelve years. I am now thirty — the same age bracket where Reynaldo started getting sick, the diabetes appearing in his thirties, the kidneys failing by his forties, the death at fifty-three. The math of my father's life is a map I carry in my body, checking my blood sugar at my annual physical with the specific fear of a woman who knows the terrain, who has walked this road behind a man who didn't survive it. My numbers are fine. My numbers are always fine. The fear doesn't care about the numbers. The fear cares about the pattern.

I went to the Mountain View house. Lourdes and I cooked Reynaldo's salmon sinigang together, the annual ritual, the recipe that is also a memorial, the cooking that is also a prayer. Lourdes was quiet — the February quiet, the specific silence of a woman whose husband has been dead for twelve years and who still sets a place for him at the table on the anniversary, a fork and a spoon and a glass of water, the ghost's place setting, the reminder that absence has a seat and the seat is never empty.

I stood at the stove and squeezed tamarind into the broth and thought about what Reynaldo would say about my life. About Jason in Fairbanks, about the long-distance that's becoming the long goodbye. About the blog. About the ER. About the three years since the breakdown and the woman I've become — not the woman he knew (a teenager, a nursing student, a girl) but the woman who emerged from the floor, from the therapy, from the kitchen. I think he'd say: "One more squeeze." I think he'd say it about the tamarind and about everything else — one more try, one more day, one more bowl of soup. One more.

Lourdes ate the sinigang and said, "Your father would be proud." She says this every year. I cry every year. The crying is not sad, exactly — it's the pressure release of a grief that lives in my chest like a permanent resident, paying rent, never leaving, just occasionally making itself known through tears that fall into tamarind broth and become part of the soup. The sinigang has always had salt. This salt is mine.

I lit a candle at St. Patrick's after dinner. The candle burned in the dark church and I sat in the pew and didn't pray, exactly, but I sat, which is its own kind of prayer — the prayer of being present, the prayer of showing up, the prayer that says: I am here. You are not. I carry you anyway.

We always make the sinigang together — that’s Lourdes’s recipe, Reynaldo’s recipe, the one that belongs to February. But when I got home that night, still salt-eyed and candle-quiet, I needed to keep my hands moving in the kitchen just a little longer. This vegan butternut squash soup is what I make when I need something warm that’s entirely mine — a broth I can make alone, in my own apartment, when the grief has settled from a wave back into its usual low tide. It doesn’t replace the sinigang. Nothing does. But it holds you the same way a bowl holds heat — for exactly as long as you need it to.

Prep Time: 15 minutes | Cook Time: 35 minutes | Total Time: 50 minutes | Servings: 6

Ingredients

1 large butternut squash (about 3 lbs), peeled, seeded, and cubed
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium yellow onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon fresh ginger, grated
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground coriander
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (or to taste)
4 cups vegetable broth
1 can (13.5 oz) full-fat coconut milk
1 tablespoon maple syrup
1 tablespoon fresh lime juice
Salt and black pepper to taste
Toasted pumpkin seeds and fresh cilantro, for serving

Instructions

Sauté the aromatics. Heat olive oil in a large pot or Dutch oven over medium heat. Add the diced onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened and translucent, about 5–6 minutes. Add the garlic and ginger and cook for another 1–2 minutes until fragrant.
Bloom the spices. Stir in the cumin, coriander, and cayenne. Cook for 30 seconds, letting the spices toast gently in the oil.
Add squash and broth. Add the cubed butternut squash and pour in the vegetable broth. Stir to combine. Bring to a boil over high heat, then reduce to a steady simmer.
Simmer until tender. Cook uncovered for 20–25 minutes, until the squash is completely fork-tender and beginning to break down at the edges.
Blend until smooth. Remove the pot from heat. Using an immersion blender, blend the soup directly in the pot until completely smooth and creamy. Alternatively, carefully transfer in batches to a countertop blender.
Finish with coconut milk. Return the pot to low heat and stir in the coconut milk and maple syrup. Simmer gently for 5 minutes. Add the lime juice, then taste and adjust salt, pepper, and lime as needed.
Serve. Ladle into bowls and top with toasted pumpkin seeds, a swirl of coconut milk, and fresh cilantro. Serve warm with crusty bread or over steamed rice.

Nutrition (per serving)

Vegan Butternut Squash Soup — The Warmth We Cook Into the Bowl