Vegan Banana Bread

One week. Seven days. I start at Sunshine Kids Learning Center next Monday and I have been handling this information with the calm and grace of a person who is not calm or graceful. I rearranged my dresser drawers twice. I ironed the two polo shirts I bought for work even though they're cotton blend and don't need ironing. I read the toddler development book again, chapter four, the one about separation anxiety, because next week I will be the person that small children are separated from their parents to be with, and I need to be worth that separation. I need to be safe enough, warm enough, steady enough. I have spent my entire life looking for those qualities in other people. Now I have to be them.

Gloria says I'm overthinking. Gloria says toddlers don't need perfection, they need presence. She says, "You show up, you pay attention, you don't let them eat crayons. That's eighty percent of it." I asked what the other twenty percent is. She said, "Love. But you've got that covered." I'm holding onto that sentence the way I hold onto all of Gloria's sentences — tight, with both hands, like something I caught in the wind.

We made banana pudding on Thursday night. The real kind — not the instant pudding and Cool Whip kind, which Gloria considers a crime against dessert. You make a custard on the stove: egg yolks, sugar, cornstarch, whole milk, vanilla. You stir constantly over medium heat, watching it thicken, and the moment it coats the back of the spoon you pull it off. Layer it in a dish — vanilla wafers on the bottom, then sliced bananas, then custard, then wafers, then bananas, then custard. Some people put meringue on top. Gloria puts meringue on top — egg whites whipped stiff with sugar, spread over everything, then browned under the broiler for two minutes. Two minutes. Not three. Three is burnt. Gloria has opinions about the broiler the way other people have opinions about politics.

We ate it still warm. James ate two bowls. I ate one and saved the recipe card for later — the banana pudding card, the fourteenth one, the last one Gloria wrote. It says at the bottom, in tiny handwriting I almost missed: "For Savannah, who learned everything the hard way, including how to make pudding." I didn't cry in front of her. I waited until I got to the car. Then I sat in the driveway and cried for ten minutes and drove home with the taste of custard and vanilla wafers still on my tongue and the knowledge that next week everything changes, and for the first time in my life, the change is something I chose.

I know the recipe in the story is Gloria’s banana pudding — and no recipe I write down will ever be that recipe, because that recipe is hers and it lives in the handwriting on a card I keep in my nightstand now. But bananas and warmth and the smell of vanilla in a kitchen are things I can hold onto in my own way, and when I needed something to bake the night after I finally let myself feel ready, this vegan banana bread was what I made. It’s simple enough that your hands can do it almost on their own, which is exactly what you need when your head is full of something as big as next Monday.

Prep Time: 10 minutes | Cook Time: 60 minutes | Total Time: 70 minutes | Servings: 10 slices

Ingredients

3 very ripe bananas, mashed (about 1 1/4 cups)
1/3 cup coconut oil, melted (or neutral vegetable oil)
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1 flax egg (1 tablespoon ground flaxseed mixed with 3 tablespoons water, rested 5 minutes)
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

Instructions

Preheat and prep. Preheat your oven to 350°F (175°C). Grease a 9x5-inch loaf pan lightly with oil or line it with parchment paper.
Make the flax egg. In a small bowl, stir together the ground flaxseed and water. Set aside for at least 5 minutes until it thickens to a gel-like consistency.
Mash and mix wet ingredients. In a large bowl, mash the ripe bananas thoroughly with a fork until almost smooth — a few small lumps are fine. Stir in the melted coconut oil, brown sugar, flax egg, and vanilla extract until fully combined.
Add leavening. Sprinkle the baking soda, salt, and cinnamon directly over the wet mixture and stir until evenly incorporated.
Fold in flour. Add the flour all at once and fold gently with a spatula until just combined. Do not overmix — a few streaks of flour are better than a tough loaf.
Bake. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake for 55 to 65 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean or with just a few moist crumbs. Tent loosely with foil after 40 minutes if the top is browning too quickly.
Cool before slicing. Let the loaf cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then turn it out onto a wire rack. Wait at least 20 more minutes before slicing — it continues to set as it cools and slices much more cleanly.

Nutrition (per serving)

Vegan Banana Bread — The Taste of Something Warm to Hold Onto