Toasted Coconut Butter -- The Taste of Memorizing a Moment

Sofia starts her senior year in three weeks and I am not ready. I am not ready, mi amor. My baby, my youngest, my last one still at home, is about to start the year that ends with graduation and leaving and the house getting quieter and I have told you how I feel about quiet. Quiet is the enemy. Quiet is what happens when the table is empty and the kitchen is cold and nobody is asking what is for dinner, and I cannot think about that without my chest tightening.

Eduardo says I am being dramatic. Eduardo, who has shown approximately four emotions in twenty-eight years of marriage, is telling ME I am dramatic. I said, Eduardo, when Sofia leaves, it will be just us in this house. Just US. He said, I am looking forward to it. I stared at him. I said, You are looking forward to an empty house? He said, I am looking forward to time with you without someone interrupting. I did not know what to say to this because it was the most romantic thing Eduardo has said since 2003 and I was not prepared.

I took Sofia shopping for school clothes because she needed new jeans and a new backpack and I needed to be with my daughter in a store pretending everything was normal and she was not about to grow up and leave me. We went to the mall. I hate the mall. The mall is loud and bright and full of teenagers who dress like they are going to a costume party that nobody told me about. But Sofia loves the mall, and this year is about Sofia, so I went and I carried bags and I said, That looks nice, mija, to approximately forty-seven items of clothing.

We stopped at the food court and I bought her a smoothie and got myself a cafe that was terrible because mall cafe is always terrible and that is a fact not an opinion. We sat and she talked about her senior year plans — AP classes, college applications, nursing programs she wants to research. She is so clear about what she wants. Clearer than I was at sixteen. Clearer than I was at twenty. My daughter has a plan, and the plan is good, and I am proud even as I am breaking.

Came home and made tembleque — coconut pudding, cool and sweet, the dessert Mami made when we needed comfort. I poured it into little cups and put them in the refrigerator and when Sofia came downstairs later she found one and ate it standing up in the kitchen in her pajamas and said, Mami, this is so good. I said, I know, mija. I know. And I watched her eat the pudding I made her and I memorized the moment — the kitchen light, her pajamas, the spoon, the smile — because the moments are counting down now and I want to keep every single one.

Tembleque is Mami’s recipe, and I will always make tembleque, but I have been thinking about coconut in other forms lately — the way it shows up in the things we reach for when we need to feel held. This toasted coconut butter is something I started making to keep in the refrigerator for mornings when I need a little sweetness and a little quiet comfort, spread on toast or stirred into oatmeal or eaten, honestly, straight from the spoon. It tastes like the same warmth that was in those little cups I set out for Sofia, and when senior year gets loud and the countdown feels too real, I find myself opening this jar and remembering: the kitchen light, her pajamas, the smile. Keep a jar of this. You will want it.

Toasted Coconut Butter

Prep Time: 5 minutes | Cook Time: 10 minutes | Total Time: 15 minutes | Servings: 16 (about 1 cup total)

Ingredients

• 2 cups unsweetened shredded coconut (or flaked coconut)
• 1 tablespoon coconut oil (refined or virgin), melted
• 1 tablespoon honey or maple syrup (optional, for a touch of sweetness)
• 1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt
• 1/4 teaspoon pure vanilla extract (optional)

Instructions

1. Toast the coconut. Spread shredded coconut in a single layer in a dry skillet over medium-low heat. Stir frequently for 6—8 minutes until the coconut is golden and fragrant, watching carefully so it does not burn. Remove from heat and let cool for 2 minutes.
2. Blend until smooth. Transfer the toasted coconut to a food processor. Process on high for 4—6 minutes, scraping down the sides every minute or so. The coconut will go from crumbly to paste to a smooth, creamy butter as the natural oils release.
3. Season and finish. Add the melted coconut oil, salt, and vanilla extract if using. If you prefer it slightly sweet, add the honey or maple syrup now. Pulse a few more times until fully combined and silky.
4. Transfer and store. Spoon the coconut butter into a clean glass jar. It will keep at room temperature for up to 2 weeks, or refrigerated for up to 1 month. If it firms up in the refrigerator, set the jar in warm water for a few minutes to soften before serving.

Nutrition (per serving)

Calories: 95 | Protein: 1g | Fat: 9g | Carbs: 4g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 35mg