By Something shifted this week with Sarah. I can feel it in the conversations and I don't know if I'm causing it or she is or if it's just the thing that happens when two people reach the edge of what their combined ability can build right now.
She asked again about the war — gently, not pressuring, but again. She's asked three times now in different ways. I can see why she asks: she's a VA nurse, she treats PTSD patients, the clinical knowledge is in her head and she's trying to map me onto what she knows and she can't do that with the parts I haven't given her. I understand the impulse. I can't do the thing.
I went quiet at dinner and put my hand flat on the table and she waited. But this time the quiet was long — long enough that the waiting became its own kind of pressure — and when I came back I said, "I don't think I can tell you those things yet." She said, "Okay." But the okay carried something. Not resentment. A recognition that we've been here before and the yet might be a permanent feature rather than a temporary one.
I told Gary on Thursday. He said, "What does she need that you can't give her?" I said, "Access. To the part I keep locked." He said, "Is that fair to her?" I said, "No." He said, "Are you going to work on it?" I said, "Yes, but slowly." He said, "Then tell her that. Tell her you're working on it and slowly is the word." I haven't told her yet. I'm going to tell her.
Mom made her winter stew Thursday. The house smelled like beef and root vegetables and I sat at the table and ate two bowls and tried to figure out how to be braver than I currently am. I'm working on it. Slowly is the word.
Mom’s stew was Thursday, but by the weekend I wanted something I could make myself — something that took a little effort, something that simmered. Texican Chili felt right for that: beef, heat, depth, and enough time on the stove that you have to stay present with it. If I’m working on things slowly, I might as well do it with a bowl of something that earns its warmth.
Texican Chili
Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 45 min | Total Time: 1 hr | Servings: 6
Ingredients
- 1 1/2 lbs ground beef
- 1 medium onion, chopped
- 3 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 can (15 oz) diced tomatoes
- 1 can (15 oz) kidney beans, drained and rinsed
- 1 can (15 oz) pinto beans, drained and rinsed
- 1 can (8 oz) tomato sauce
- 1 cup beef broth
- 2 tablespoons chili powder
- 1 teaspoon ground cumin
- 1 teaspoon smoked paprika
- 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
- 1/2 teaspoon salt, or to taste
- 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
- 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional, for extra heat)
- 1 tablespoon olive oil
- Shredded cheddar, sour cream, and green onions for serving
Instructions
- Brown the beef. Heat olive oil in a large pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add the ground beef and cook, breaking it up with a spoon, until browned and cooked through, about 8–10 minutes. Drain excess fat.
- Soften the aromatics. Add the chopped onion to the pot and cook with the beef for 4–5 minutes until softened. Stir in the minced garlic and cook for another minute until fragrant.
- Add the spices. Sprinkle in the chili powder, cumin, smoked paprika, oregano, salt, pepper, and cayenne (if using). Stir well to coat the meat and onion in the spice mixture, cooking for 1–2 minutes to bloom the spices.
- Build the chili. Pour in the diced tomatoes, tomato sauce, and beef broth. Add the drained kidney beans and pinto beans. Stir everything together to combine.
- Simmer. Bring the chili to a boil, then reduce heat to low. Cover partially and let it simmer for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the flavors meld and the chili thickens to your liking.
- Taste and adjust. Taste for seasoning and adjust salt, pepper, or chili powder as needed. If the chili is too thick, add a splash more broth.
- Serve. Ladle into bowls and top with shredded cheddar cheese, a dollop of sour cream, and sliced green onions.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 420 | Protein: 32g | Fat: 16g | Carbs: 34g | Fiber: 9g | Sodium: 680mg