By Sean died Thursday, August 3, 2023, at 5:47 PM. I was beside him. My mother had taken the kids that morning — I had called her at 6 AM and said "Ma. Today. Take the kids." She had driven down immediately. She had taken Liam and Nora back to Southie in her car. Grace was here. Meghan was here. Sean's sister was here. Lucia had come at 2 PM. She had said "it is close." She had stayed.
Sean was peaceful. He had been sleeping most of the day. At 4 PM he opened his eyes. He looked at me. He said "Kate." I said "I am here, Sean." He said "love you." I said "I love you, Sean." He closed his eyes. He slept.
At 5:30 his breathing changed. Lucia said "it is now." I held his hand. Grace was on his other side, holding his hand. Meghan sat at the foot of the bed. Sean's sister was in the kitchen, unable to be in the room, which was her right. We did not rush. We did not speak. I held Sean's hand. I said quietly "it is okay, Sean. You can go. We are here. We love you. You can go." I said it in the same voice I have said these words to dozens of oncology patients at their end. This time it was my husband. I said it as his wife, in the voice of a nurse. Both at once. Both are me.
He breathed. He breathed. He breathed slower. He paused. He breathed once more. He stopped.
Lucia leaned in. She put her stethoscope to his chest. She listened. She looked at me. She nodded. She said "Kate. He is gone." I said "I know." I did not cry yet. I kissed his forehead. I kissed his lips. I held his hand for a long time. Grace was crying. Meghan was crying softly. I was not crying. That would come later.
Lucia did the time of death. She called the funeral home. I called my mother. I called my father. I called Patrick. I called Danny. I called Linda (she came over in three minutes). Father Donnelly came at 7 PM with the blessing. The funeral home came at 8. They were kind. They carried him out. The living room was empty. The hospital bed was empty.
The funeral was Monday at St. Brigid's. Half of Southie came. Half of Boston Latin came. The church was standing room only. Father Donnelly said the Mass. Sean Sr. read the first reading. Meghan read the second. Patrick read the Prayer of the Faithful. Liam — four and a half, in his small suit — held my hand through the whole thing. He did not cry until the very end when they played a song. Then he cried. I held him. Nora did not understand. Grace held her.
I do not remember much else about the day. The day was loud and blurred. My mother cooked. The house was full. Meghan handled logistics. I sat. People came to me. I received them. I said the words you say. I did not break. That would come later.
After the funeral, my mother cooked. That is what she does — that is what she has always done — and the kitchen was hers for the afternoon while I sat in the living room and received people and said the words you say. What she made was simple: stovetop mac and cheese, the kind that comes together in one pot and feeds whoever walks through the door, including Liam and Nora, who are small and needed something warm and familiar on a day that was nothing but unfamiliar. I cannot tell you how many people ate from that pot. I only know that it was there, and it was enough, and my mother made it, and that was everything.
Stovetop Mac and Cheese
Prep Time: 10 min | Cook Time: 20 min | Total Time: 30 min | Servings: 6
Ingredients
- 1 lb elbow macaroni
- 4 tablespoons unsalted butter
- 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
- 2 1/2 cups whole milk, warmed
- 1/2 cup heavy cream
- 2 cups sharp cheddar cheese, freshly shredded
- 1 cup Gruyere or Monterey Jack cheese, shredded
- 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
- 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
- 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
- 1/4 teaspoon smoked paprika
- Salt and black pepper to taste
Instructions
- Cook the pasta. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Cook macaroni according to package directions until just al dente. Reserve 1/2 cup pasta water, then drain and set aside.
- Make the roux. In the same large pot, melt butter over medium heat. Whisk in the flour and cook, stirring constantly, for about 1 to 2 minutes until the mixture turns pale golden and smells nutty.
- Build the sauce. Slowly pour in the warmed milk and heavy cream, whisking continuously to prevent lumps. Increase heat slightly and continue whisking until the sauce thickens enough to coat the back of a spoon, about 5 to 7 minutes.
- Add flavor. Stir in the Dijon mustard, garlic powder, onion powder, and smoked paprika. Season with salt and black pepper.
- Melt in the cheese. Remove the pot from heat. Add the shredded cheddar and Gruyere in two or three additions, stirring well between each addition until fully melted and smooth. Do not return to high heat once the cheese is added or the sauce may break.
- Combine. Add the drained pasta to the cheese sauce and stir well to coat. If the sauce seems too thick, add reserved pasta water a splash at a time until you reach your desired consistency.
- Serve. Taste and adjust seasoning. Serve immediately, straight from the pot.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 620 | Protein: 26g | Fat: 28g | Carbs: 67g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 480mg