Spicy Vegetable Corn Bean Soup -- Two Bowls and No Throwing Up

Taxol started on Monday. First of twelve weekly infusions. It's different from AC — longer infusion time, different side effects. Dr. Reyes said the main risks are neuropathy (tingling in hands and feet), joint pain, and more fatigue. She was right about all three. By Wednesday, my fingers felt like they'd been dipped in static electricity, my knees ached like I'd run a marathon I don't remember entering, and the fatigue settled in with the comfortable permanence of a houseguest who has no intention of leaving.

But — and this is a significant but — the nausea is better. Not gone, but manageable. The red devil's specialty was nausea; Taxol's specialty is pain. I'm not sure which I prefer, but at least with pain I can eat. I ate a full dinner on Tuesday — chicken, rice, broccoli, nothing fancy, but a full plate consumed while sitting at the table with my family. Mason said, "Mama, you're eating again!" with the delight of someone who has been watching and worrying without saying anything, which is exactly what five-year-olds do. They watch. They worry. They don't say anything because they sense it wouldn't help. And then they say everything at once, in a burst of relief, at the dinner table.

My energy is low but not as catastrophically low as during AC. I can stay upright for most of the day. I can drive. I can do laundry (slowly). I can make breakfast (usually cereal, occasionally eggs). I am nowhere near normal, but I am closer to normal than I've been since November, and closer is a direction, and a direction is enough.

Scott is pulling away again. The fire season conversation — the one where he told me he felt helpless — was a momentary opening that has since closed. He's back to the routine: work, home, kids, garage, beer, bed. We are parallel lines. We share a house and children and nothing else. I know this marriage is dying. I can feel it dying the way you feel a tooth go numb — slowly, then all at once, and by the time you notice it's too late. But I cannot deal with a dying marriage and dying cancer cells at the same time. Something has to wait. The marriage will wait. The cancer won't.

I made chili this week. A big pot, the fall recipe brought into winter because chili doesn't care about seasons, chili is always appropriate. Ground beef, beans, tomatoes, spices. I stood at the stove and stirred and the steam hit my face and the smell hit my nose and for the first time in months, both the smell and the taste aligned — the chili tasted like chili, not like metal, not like nothing, but like itself. Cumin and chili powder and beef and beans and the slow burn of red pepper flakes. I ate two bowls. Two. And I didn't throw up. And that, in the kingdom of chemotherapy, is a coronation.

This is the recipe I made that night — the one that gave me back something I thought chemo had taken for good. I’m calling it what it is: a big, honest pot of chili, dressed up slightly for this page but otherwise exactly as I made it, standing at the stove in my socks at 6pm on a Tuesday, desperate for something to taste like something. Here’s how I did it.

Spicy Vegetable Corn Bean Soup

Prep Time: 15 minutes | Cook Time: 40 minutes | Total Time: 55 minutes | Servings: 6

Ingredients

• 1 lb ground beef (or ground turkey)
• 1 medium yellow onion, diced
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 jalapeño, seeded and finely diced
• 1 red bell pepper, diced
• 1 can (15 oz) black beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 can (15 oz) kidney beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 can (15 oz) whole kernel corn, drained
• 1 can (14.5 oz) diced fire-roasted tomatoes
• 1 can (14.5 oz) crushed tomatoes
• 3 cups beef broth
• 2 tsp chili powder
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• 1/2 tsp smoked paprika
• 1/2 tsp red pepper flakes (adjust to taste)
• 1/2 tsp dried oregano
• Salt and black pepper to taste
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• Optional toppings: shredded cheddar, sour cream, sliced green onions, crushed tortilla chips

Instructions

1. Brown the beef. Heat olive oil in a large heavy-bottomed pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add ground beef and cook, breaking it apart, until browned and no longer pink, about 6–8 minutes. Drain excess fat if needed.
2. Soften the aromatics. Reduce heat to medium. Add onion, bell pepper, and jalapeño to the pot. Cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 5 minutes. Add garlic and cook 1 minute more until fragrant.
3. Bloom the spices. Add chili powder, cumin, smoked paprika, red pepper flakes, and oregano directly to the pot. Stir to coat the vegetables and beef, and cook for 1 minute so the spices open up.
4. Build the soup. Add the diced tomatoes, crushed tomatoes, beef broth, black beans, kidney beans, and corn. Stir everything together and bring to a boil.
5. Simmer low and slow. Reduce heat to low and simmer uncovered for 25–30 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the soup thickens slightly and the flavors have melded. Taste and adjust salt, pepper, and heat level.
6. Serve. Ladle into bowls and top with shredded cheddar, a dollop of sour cream, green onions, or whatever sounds good. Eat two bowls if you can.

Nutrition (per serving)

Calories: 385 | Protein: 28g | Fat: 13g | Carbs: 38g | Fiber: 10g | Sodium: 720mg