By Week two of the repeat radiation. Sean is very tired. He sleeps ten, twelve, fourteen hours a day depending on the day. He is still eating but in very small amounts. He weighs himself Friday morning. He had lost another pound and a half. I put a protein powder in the smoothies I have been making for him — berries, yogurt, banana, the protein powder, a little almond butter. He will drink one. He does not love them. He drinks them because he knows he needs to.
I had my NP exam Saturday morning. I took it from the kitchen table. Online proctored. Ninety minutes. I passed it with an 89. I would have preferred a 92. I will live. I am living.
Sean wanted to help with a letter Wednesday. The Nora age-eight letter. He dictated for forty minutes. The letter was about stubbornness — he said "I always loved that you were stubborn. Never let anyone tell you to soften it. Stubbornness is a kind of faith in yourself." He also wrote "Nora. I hope you love your brother. I hope he loves you. I hope you are loud at the dinner table. Be loud. Never feel bad about being loud." The letter is 460 words. Sean signed "Love, Dad." The signature at the bottom of these letters is the thing that hits me each time. I am saving his signature for her to receive in nine years.
Patrick came Sunday with Colleen and Sean III, who is now thirteen months and toddling in a way that produces entertainment for everyone including Sean. Sean held his namesake nephew on his lap for twenty minutes. Sean III put his small hand on Sean's bald head and said something unintelligible and Sean laughed. Actually laughed. Laughed fully, the old laugh, the laugh I fell in love with in 2015. Patrick and I looked at each other. Neither of us said anything. Colleen saw the exchange. She wiped her eye with her sleeve.
Sean III is also now teething aggressively. He gnawed on Sean's finger for a minute. Sean let him. Sean said "Sean. Do not eat my finger." Sean III went on eating Sean's finger. Sean laughed. Patrick laughed. It was a good afternoon.
After they left, Sean went upstairs and slept for four hours. I cooked. I made a full Sunday dinner even though the kids were the only ones to eat most of it — chicken with lemon, roasted potatoes, a simple salad. I made it because cooking is the thing I can do. I made it because my hands needed to work. I put Sean's portion in a small bowl — pureed, gentle, warm — and brought it upstairs at 7. He ate three bites. He said "thank you, Kate." I said "you are welcome, Sean." He held my hand. We sat. The room was quiet. The light was the specific spring light. He is so thin.
The smoothies have been doing their job, but some evenings — especially after a good afternoon, the kind we had with Patrick and Sean III, the kind where he actually laughed — I want to offer him something that feels less like medicine and more like warmth. This hot chocolate is the thing I reach for on those nights. I stir a scoop of protein powder right into the cocoa so he doesn’t have to think about it, and it comes out tasting like something you’d want, not something you’re enduring. He can hold the mug. That matters more than I can explain.
Special Ingredient Hot Chocolate
Prep Time: 2 min | Cook Time: 5 min | Total Time: 7 min | Servings: 1
Ingredients
- 1 cup whole milk (or oat milk for a creamier texture)
- 1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
- 1 scoop unflavored or chocolate protein powder (about 20–25g protein)
- 1 tablespoon almond butter
- 1 tablespoon honey or maple syrup, to taste
- 1/4 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
- Pinch of fine sea salt
- Optional: 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
- Optional: whipped cream or a few mini marshmallows to top
Instructions
- Warm the milk. Pour the milk into a small saucepan over medium-low heat. Warm gently until steaming but not boiling, about 3–4 minutes. Do not scorch.
- Whisk in cocoa. Add the cocoa powder and salt, whisking steadily until fully dissolved with no lumps, about 30 seconds.
- Add the special ingredients. Reduce heat to low. Whisk in the protein powder and almond butter, one at a time, until completely smooth and incorporated.
- Sweeten and flavor. Stir in the honey (or maple syrup), vanilla extract, and cinnamon if using. Taste and adjust sweetness.
- Blend for extra smoothness (optional). For the silkiest texture — especially useful if the protein powder is grainy — carefully transfer to a blender and blend on low for 15 seconds, or use an immersion blender directly in the pot.
- Serve warm. Pour into a mug. Top with whipped cream or marshmallows if desired. Serve immediately.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 310 | Protein: 24g | Fat: 11g | Carbs: 28g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 210mg