By PT is winding down. Gutierrez said I'm at ninety-five percent on the leg and she's running out of reasons to keep me. I said that sounds like a breakup. She didn't laugh. Gutierrez doesn't laugh — she's from El Paso and has the bedside manner of a drill sergeant, which is probably why she's good at her job and why I trust her. She said I should keep doing the stretches on my own. I said I would. I probably will. The arm is fine. Has been fine for weeks. The scars are there — shrapnel makes a mess going in and the surgeons make a different mess getting it out — but the arm works and the leg works and the body is almost what it was, which is more than a lot of people got. I don't forget that. I can't afford to forget that.
Posted the chili piece Tuesday night. Same time — 0200, give or take. I'm starting to think 2 AM is my writing hour the way some people have a coffee hour or a prayer hour. The hour when the building is quiet enough that my head is quiet enough that words come out in a straight line instead of the tangled mess they are during the day. The chili post is longer than the steak post. More detailed. I wrote about browning the meat and not crowding the pan and how patience isn't a virtue with chili, it's a requirement. I didn't write about where I learned it. I didn't write about the kitchen in Roundup or Mom's pot on the stove or the way fall smells in Montana. The food is the food. The rest is mine.
Dr. Mercer asked me about the writing. I don't know how she knew. I didn't tell her. Maybe it's in my file, maybe the night staff noticed me in the common room, maybe therapists have the same surveillance instincts as physical therapists and snipers. She asked if it helps. I said it's just writing about food. She said, "That's not what I asked." I looked at the coping strategies poster behind her head. I said, "Maybe." She wrote on her pad. I stared at the wall. We do this dance every week. I'm getting better at it. Or she's getting better at me. Same thing, probably.
Made chicken Thursday. Whole bird, spatchcocked — backbone out, pressed flat, high heat. Dad taught me this method. You flatten the bird so it cooks even, skin side up, and the skin goes golden and crisp and the meat stays wet. Salt. That's it. Salt and heat and time. Espinoza showed up when it was done. I didn't invite him. He just appeared, the way hungry people appear when there's a roasted chicken. I gave him a leg. He gave me a nod. We're building something here. I don't know what to call it. I'm not going to call it anything.
There’s something about that Thursday chicken I keep coming back to—the simplicity of it, how it asked nothing of me except to show up and apply heat. Dad’s method doesn’t leave room for overthinking, which was exactly what I needed that week. Maybe that’s why it worked, why Espinoza showed up, why it felt like enough. Here’s how to make it.
Spatchcock Roast Chicken
Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 45 min | Total Time: 1 hr | Servings: 4
Ingredients
- 1 whole chicken (3 1/2 to 4 lbs)
- 1 tablespoon kosher salt
- 1 teaspoon freshly cracked black pepper
- 2 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 lemon, halved (optional)
- 4 garlic cloves, smashed (optional)
Instructions
- Preheat the oven. Set your oven to 450°F. Place a rack in the middle position. If you have a cast iron skillet or heavy oven-safe pan, put it in the oven while it preheats.
- Spatchcock the bird. Place the chicken breast-side down on a cutting board. Using kitchen shears, cut along both sides of the backbone from tail to neck and remove it entirely. Flip the bird breast-side up and press firmly on the breastbone with the heel of your hand until you feel it crack flat. The bird should lie even across its whole width.
- Season. Pat the chicken completely dry with paper towels — this is not optional if you want crisp skin. Rub the olive oil all over both sides. Season generously with kosher salt and pepper, top and bottom. If using, tuck the smashed garlic under the skin at the breast.
- Roast. Place the chicken skin-side up in the hot pan. If using lemon, squeeze both halves over the bird and drop them cut-side down in the pan alongside it. Roast at 450°F for 40 to 45 minutes, until the skin is deep golden and an instant-read thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the thigh reads 165°F.
- Rest before cutting. Pull the pan from the oven and let the bird rest uncovered for 10 minutes. The juices will redistribute and the skin will hold. Cut into pieces — two legs, two thighs, two breasts — and serve directly from the pan.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 390 | Protein: 42g | Fat: 23g | Carbs: 1g | Fiber: 0g | Sodium: 710mg