Soy-Ginger Grilled Swordfish

Jason accepted the Fairbanks position. He told me on Tuesday. He said, "I need to take this. For my career. I hope you understand." I said, "I understand." I meant it. Understanding is not the same as accepting, and accepting is not the same as being okay, but understanding — the intellectual recognition that a person must do the thing they must do, even when the doing rearranges your life — understanding I have. I've been understood by enough people (Dr. Reeves, Angela, Lourdes) to know how to extend the same grace.

He moves in August. Three months. Three months of the question being answered and the answer being the one I didn't want but expected, the one that was written in the air between us since the first time Fairbanks was offered, a year and a half ago, when I said "I can't move" and he turned it down and the turning-down was temporary because career opportunities don't stop asking just because you said no once.

We are not breaking up. We are becoming long-distance, which is different — six hours by car, forty-five minutes by plane, the specific kind of relationship that tests everything and proves either the strength or the limitation of what you've built. I am cautiously optimistic. I am also scared. Both. Always both.

I made lechon kawali. The celebratory dish, which is ironic because I'm not celebrating — but the lechon kawali is also the resilience dish, the pork that must be boiled and dried and fried and each step is a transformation and each transformation requires heat and time and the willingness to let the thing become what it needs to become. The pork belly shattered under my fork. The vinegar sauce was sharp. The rice was perfect. I ate it standing up, which is my stress position, my default, my body's way of saying "I am coping but not relaxed."

I called Angela. "He's going to Fairbanks." Silence. Then: "Are you going?" I said, "No." She said, "Good." The "good" was not about Jason — Angela likes Jason, she respects Jason. The "good" was about me. About the staying. About the roots in Anchorage soil that Angela helped plant and doesn't want to see pulled up. About the ate who found her sister on the floor and needs the sister to stay close. The "good" was love and fear and proximity, all in one syllable. Good. Stay. I need you here. The Santos women speak in single words that carry entire architectures.

I didn’t make the lechon kawali again — once was enough for that particular grief — but I needed the same flavors a few days later, the soy and ginger that sit at the back of every Santos pantry shelf the way certain facts sit at the back of your mind: always present, always available, always clarifying. Swordfish takes a marinade the way August takes its time, quickly and completely, and there is something steadying about a dish that asks you to prepare it, wait for it, then commit fully to the heat. This is the recipe I make when I need to feel capable. It helped.

Prep Time: 15 min (plus 30 min marinating) | Cook Time: 10 min | Total Time: 55 min | Servings: 4

Ingredients

4 swordfish steaks, about 6 oz each, 1-inch thick
1/4 cup soy sauce
2 tablespoons fresh ginger, peeled and finely grated
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 tablespoons toasted sesame oil
2 tablespoons honey
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1 tablespoon neutral oil (for grill grates)
3 green onions, thinly sliced, for garnish
1 teaspoon sesame seeds, for garnish
Steamed white rice, for serving

Instructions

Make the marinade. In a small bowl, whisk together the soy sauce, grated ginger, garlic, sesame oil, honey, and rice vinegar until the honey is fully dissolved and the mixture is smooth.
Marinate the fish. Place the swordfish steaks in a shallow dish or zip-top bag. Pour the marinade over the fish, turning to coat both sides evenly. Cover and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes and up to 2 hours. Do not marinate longer — the acid will begin to break down the fish.
Preheat the grill. Heat an outdoor grill or grill pan to medium-high. Brush the grates or pan surface with neutral oil to prevent sticking.
Grill the swordfish. Remove the steaks from the marinade and let any excess drip off. Grill for 4 to 5 minutes per side, turning once, until the fish is opaque through the center and has clear grill marks. Swordfish is done when it flakes easily with a fork but is still moist at the center.
Rest and garnish. Transfer the steaks to a clean plate and let rest for 2 minutes. Scatter sliced green onions and sesame seeds over the top.
Serve. Plate each steak over a mound of steamed white rice. Spoon any resting juices from the plate over the fish. Serve immediately.

Nutrition (per serving)

Soy-Ginger Grilled Swordfish — Something Bright for the Days You Hold Your Ground