Slow Cooker Italian Beef Subs

St. Patrick's Day is Tuesday and Noah has been informed, by Ethan probably, because twelve-year-olds who discover that informing younger siblings of upcoming holidays is a power move will exercise it relentlessly, that leprechauns turn the toilet water green overnight. This created a situation. Noah checked the toilet at five-forty-seven in the morning, came to our bedroom, and announced in a carrying voice: nothing yet. He is four and entirely too invested in the bathroom activities of mythological creatures.

I made green pancakes for breakfast Monday, a few drops of food coloring in the batter, which is not as simple as it sounds because Noah needed to know why some were greener than others, a question I addressed at 6:45 AM while holding a spatula. I put a drop of green in his milk. He stared at it for four minutes. Then he drank it in one long pull and looked up with green on his upper lip like he had made a decision about who he was going to be.

For St. Patrick's Day dinner I made corned beef and cabbage in the slow cooker: seven minutes of prep, nine hours of the pot doing what it was paid to do. In by seven in the morning, done by four. By noon the house smelled like something from my grandmother's kitchen, warm and salty and deeply vegetable, the kind of smell that belongs to women who cooked without recipes because the recipes were in their hands.

Therapy was Wednesday. We talked about the freezer, specifically about why I feel unsafe when it drops below twelve meals. My therapist said the freezer has become a way of managing anxiety, not just managing logistics. I said I knew that. She said: and? I said: and the system still works, so I will keep using it and also work on the anxiety separately. She accepted this. I have always been good at running two processes at once. The parallel processing is either a strength or the anxiety wearing a useful disguise. Possibly both.

Lily asked what leprechauns eat. I said shamrocks and gold coins. She considered this seriously and said: that sounds bad for them. I said: you are probably right. She nodded with the gravity of a six-year-old who has just diagnosed a folklore character with a nutritional deficiency and went back to her coloring.

That Wednesday—the one where my therapist pointed out that the freezer is anxiety wearing a useful disguise—I came home and made this anyway, because the system still works and I’m allowed to use the things that work. Slow cooker Italian beef is the kind of recipe that asks almost nothing of you in the moment and quietly stacks up six meals for later, which is exactly the kind of logic I am apparently built on. Seven minutes of hands-on time, nine hours of the kitchen doing its own parallel processing, and then provolone and pepperoncini and something warm to put in front of a six-year-old who is busy worrying about leprechaun nutrition. Here’s how it goes.

Prep Time: 7 minutes | Cook Time: 9 hours (low) | Total Time: 9 hours 7 minutes | Servings: 6

Ingredients

3 to 3 1/2 lbs beef chuck roast
1 packet (1 oz) Italian dressing seasoning mix
1 packet (1 oz) au jus gravy mix
1 cup beef broth
1/2 cup pepperoncini brine (from the jar)
6 to 8 pepperoncini peppers
4 cloves garlic, smashed
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
6 hoagie rolls or sub rolls, for serving
6 slices provolone cheese, for serving

Instructions

Load the cooker. Place the chuck roast in the slow cooker insert. Pour the beef broth and pepperoncini brine over the top. Scatter the garlic cloves and pepperoncini peppers around the roast.
Season. Sprinkle both seasoning packets evenly over the meat, then add the dried oregano and black pepper. No stirring needed — just set it and go.
Cook low and slow. Cover and cook on LOW for 8 to 9 hours, until the beef is completely tender and pulls apart with a fork. Do not lift the lid during cooking.
Shred the beef. Remove the roast to a cutting board. Use two forks to shred the meat, then return it to the slow cooker. Stir to combine with all the juices and let it rest in the braising liquid for 10 minutes.
Build the subs. Toast the hoagie rolls if desired. Pile the shredded beef onto each roll using tongs, add a slice of provolone, and spoon a little extra braising jus over the top before serving. Serve remaining jus alongside for dipping.

Nutrition (per serving)

Slow Cooker Italian Beef Subs — Seven Minutes of Prep, Nine Hours of Peace