By Late December 2041. Between Christmas and New Year I spent three days revising the book. Not the whole book — the sections Elena flagged for emotional honesty, the four places where she said I held back. I sat at the desk in the study with the door closed and I went back in. Back into the years I'd been protecting Ruben from, as if a dead man needs protection. As if words on a page can hurt him.
I wrote about the last time I saw him before he deployed, which was July 4th, 2016, at a party at our cousin's house. We stood in the backyard and ate carne asada and drank — I drank, Ruben drank, everyone drank — and he told me about the deployment, how he felt about it, the complicated mix of fear and duty that he described with the direct honesty that was always his way. I told him I was scared for him. He said: I know. He said: if something happens, I need you to be different than you are now. I asked what he meant. He said: you know what I mean. I said: I do. He said: promise me. I said: I promise.
I don't know if I would have gotten sober without that conversation. I know that when Ruben was killed in July of 2017 and I was sitting in the wreckage of the first year after his death, his voice in my memory saying I promise was one of the things that held. I wrote all of this. I wrote it completely for the first time. It went into the book and I closed the document and I sat at the desk for a while and then I went out to the kitchen and made red chile and ate it with a tortilla, standing at the counter, in the house three blocks from where Ruben grew up.
Red chile is what my hands know how to make when the rest of me has been somewhere hard. That night after I closed the document — after I finally wrote Ruben the way he deserved to be written — I didn’t want anything delicate. I wanted something that fills the kitchen with smell, something you eat standing up because sitting down feels like too much ceremony. These Sloppy Joe Tacos are the version of that I come back to when I don’t have the dried chiles soaking or the time to do it right: the same bold, saucy, no-apology energy in a form that comes together fast and still feels like it means something.
Sloppy Joe Tacos
Prep Time: 10 minutes | Cook Time: 20 minutes | Total Time: 30 minutes | Servings: 4
Ingredients
- 1 lb lean ground beef
- 1/2 medium yellow onion, diced
- 1/2 green bell pepper, diced
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 can (8 oz) tomato sauce
- 2 tablespoons ketchup
- 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
- 1 teaspoon chili powder
- 1/2 teaspoon smoked paprika
- 1/2 teaspoon cumin
- 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
- 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, or to taste
- 8 small corn or flour tortillas, warmed
- Optional toppings: shredded cheddar, sliced jalapeños, sour cream, diced white onion, fresh cilantro
Instructions
- Brown the beef. Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the ground beef and cook, breaking it apart with a wooden spoon, until no pink remains, about 6—8 minutes. Drain excess fat and set beef aside.
- Sauté the aromatics. In the same skillet over medium heat, add the diced onion and bell pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 4—5 minutes. Add the garlic and cook 1 minute more until fragrant.
- Build the sauce. Return the beef to the skillet. Stir in the tomato sauce, ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, chili powder, smoked paprika, cumin, salt, and black pepper. Stir well to combine.
- Simmer. Reduce heat to medium-low and let the mixture simmer uncovered for 8—10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the sauce has thickened and coats the meat. Taste and adjust seasoning.
- Warm the tortillas. While the filling simmers, warm your tortillas directly over a gas flame, in a dry skillet, or wrapped in a damp paper towel in the microwave for 30 seconds.
- Assemble and serve. Spoon the sloppy joe filling into each warmed tortilla. Add desired toppings and serve immediately.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 390 | Protein: 26g | Fat: 14g | Carbs: 38g | Fiber: 3g | Sodium: 620mg