By Christmas. Brian had Miya on Christmas Eve and she spent the night with the Callahans and Lisa's family and came home Christmas morning with stories about Murphy the dog opening his own present ("He tore the paper with his TEETH") and Lisa's mother's Christmas lasagna ("It was really good, mama, but not as good as your miso soup," which is the diplomatic assessment of a child who knows her audience).
Christmas morning was ours. Tamagoyaki, miso soup, rice. The Japanese daughter's Christmas. The ritual. The anchor. Miya opened presents: books (always), a sewing kit (she wants to learn), a small ceramic bowl from Uwajimaya that is similar to Fumiko's but not Fumiko's, a bowl that is Miya's own, the beginning of her own collection, the first piece of her own kitchen that will someday be her own. The bowl is blue with a white glaze. Fumiko's bowls are brown. The difference is the generation. The similarity is the practice. Both bowls will hold miso soup. Both bowls will be held in two hands. Both bowls will chip.
I made Christmas dinner for two: a small roasted chicken (not turkey, not at Christmas, turkey is for Thanksgiving and the distinction matters because the calendar's boundaries are the structure and the structure is the practice), roasted vegetables, rice, and miso soup to start, because every meal starts with miso soup, even Christmas dinner, even in this apartment that is not Japanese and not American but the country in between, the country where the chicken is roasted and the miso soup is served and both belong on the same table.
After dinner, after Miya was in bed, I sat in the kitchen with a cup of tea and the chipped bowl (washed, drying on the rack) and the silence of a Christmas night in a one-bedroom apartment. The silence was not lonely. The silence was full. The silence was the fullness of a woman who has cooked two meals today and raised a child today and practiced the practice today and is sitting in the result of all of it: a clean kitchen, a sleeping child, a life that fits. The fitting is the miracle. Eight years of not-fitting and now: fitting. The fitting is the Christmas present I gave myself. The fitting is enough.
That night, after the tea and the silence and the clean kitchen, I wanted something small and sweet — not a production, not a project, just a thing to make with my hands while Miya slept. Sesame cookies felt right: they belong to the country in between, neither strictly Japanese nor American but recognizable to both, the way our apartment is, the way our Christmas is. I made a small batch. I ate two. I left two on the counter for Miya’s breakfast, next to the blue bowl.
Sesame Cookies
Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 12 min | Total Time: 27 min | Servings: 24 cookies
Ingredients
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- 1/2 cup sesame seeds (white or black, or a mix)
- 1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
- 1/3 cup granulated sugar
- 1 large egg yolk
- 1 tablespoon toasted sesame oil
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 2 tablespoons sesame seeds, for rolling
Instructions
- Toast the sesame seeds. In a dry skillet over medium heat, toast 1/2 cup sesame seeds, stirring frequently, until fragrant and lightly golden, about 3 minutes. Remove from heat and let cool completely.
- Cream butter and sugar. In a large bowl, beat softened butter and sugar together until pale and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Add the egg yolk, sesame oil, and vanilla extract and mix until smooth.
- Combine dry ingredients. Add flour, salt, and the cooled toasted sesame seeds to the butter mixture. Stir until a soft dough forms. If the dough feels too sticky, refrigerate for 10 minutes.
- Shape the cookies. Roll the dough into 1-inch balls. Pour the remaining 2 tablespoons of sesame seeds onto a small plate and roll each ball to coat the outside lightly.
- Flatten and bake. Place the balls 2 inches apart on a parchment-lined baking sheet. Use the flat bottom of a glass to gently press each ball into a round, about 1/4-inch thick. Bake at 350°F (175°C) for 11—13 minutes, until the edges are just golden.
- Cool completely. Let cookies rest on the baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack. They firm up as they cool.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 82 | Protein: 1g | Fat: 5g | Carbs: 8g | Fiber: 0g | Sodium: 25mg