By February. The shortest month. The hardest month. Sean's birthday is in February — would have been forty-one. I do not say this to anyone. I write it in the notebook. I keep going.
Clinic was busy. Flu has arrived in Quincy. Six confirmed Monday and Tuesday. I gave the same speech six times. I am running out of patience. The patients are not at fault for the flu. I am not at fault for being tired. We are doing the dance.
Group Tuesday. Bernadette had us each name a person we wished was in the room with us. I said Mrs. Hagerty. People nodded. They knew her by my stories. Henry said his sister, who lives in Maine and does not understand why he comes to a group. Lila said her mother. Joan said her son. We held all of it.
Wednesday Kettle. Thirteen quarts. New high. The parish kitchen is keeping up. I am tired but I am tired in the right way.
Sean's birthday is Thursday the 5th. I made a small dinner Thursday night — chicken with lemon, the way he liked it. I told the kids it was Daddy's birthday dinner. Liam knew. He said Mommy do you want to talk about Daddy. I said yes. He told me the Halloween story Daddy had told him about the year Daddy got a king-size Snickers. Liam was three when Daddy told him. He still remembers it. I did not know he still remembered it. I cried into the chicken. The chicken did not mind.
Nora drew Daddy a birthday card and put it on the fridge under the magnet from the dentist. She wrote happy birthday daddy in pencil. The pencil is going to fade. I am going to take a photo of it and save it.
I called Meghan at eleven Thursday. I told her about the Snickers. She remembered. She told me one I had forgotten — that Sean had once eaten an entire pumpkin pie alone in our apartment because I had said it was for Christmas the next day and he was offended that pie had to wait. We laughed for ten minutes about it. Then we cried. Then we hung up.
Saturday pancakes. Burned the first. Liam said the burned one is for Daddy because it is his birthday week. I said yes baby.
Sunday dinner at Ma's. Lasagna. Sean's favorite. Ma made it on purpose. She did not say so. I knew.
Food of the week: Ma's lasagna, on purpose.
Ma’s lasagna said everything that didn’t need words — but when I got home Sunday night and thought about what I wanted to carry into the rest of Sean’s birthday week, I wanted something I could make myself, something with a little color and sweetness to set beside the ache. Red felt right. Liam’s burned pancake was already his tribute; this one is mine. These brownies are rich and a little over-the-top, which honestly sounds like Sean, and the marshmallow frosting is the kind of thing he would have eaten directly from the bowl with a spoon when he thought no one was watching.
Red Velvet Brownies with Marshmallow Cream Cheese Frosting
Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 28 min | Total Time: 43 min | Servings: 16
Ingredients
- 1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted and slightly cooled
- 1 cup granulated sugar
- 2 large eggs, room temperature
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
- 1 tablespoon red food coloring
- 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- 1/4 teaspoon fine salt
- 1 teaspoon white vinegar
- For the Marshmallow Cream Cheese Frosting:
- 8 oz cream cheese, softened to room temperature
- 1 jar (7 oz) marshmallow cream (such as Jet-Puffed Fluff)
- 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
Instructions
- Prep the pan. Preheat your oven to 350°F. Line a 9x9-inch baking pan with parchment paper, leaving an overhang on two sides for easy lifting. Lightly grease the parchment.
- Start the batter. In a large bowl, whisk together the melted butter and sugar until smooth and slightly glossy, about 1 minute. Add the eggs one at a time, whisking well after each addition. Stir in the vanilla extract and red food coloring.
- Add dry ingredients. Sift in the cocoa powder, flour, and salt. Fold gently with a rubber spatula until just combined — do not overmix. Stir in the white vinegar; the batter will look glossy and deep red.
- Bake. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and spread it evenly to the edges. Bake for 25–28 minutes, until the edges are set and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out with just a few moist crumbs. Do not overbake.
- Cool completely. Transfer the pan to a wire rack and let the brownies cool fully before frosting, at least 1 hour. Rushing this step will melt the frosting.
- Make the frosting. In a medium bowl, beat the softened cream cheese with a hand mixer on medium speed until completely smooth with no lumps, about 2 minutes. Add the marshmallow cream and vanilla extract. Beat on low until just combined, then increase to medium and mix until light and fluffy, about 1 more minute.
- Frost and serve. Spread the marshmallow cream cheese frosting evenly over the cooled brownies. Lift the brownies from the pan using the parchment overhang and place on a cutting board. Slice into 16 squares with a sharp knife, wiping the blade clean between cuts for neat edges.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 275 | Protein: 3g | Fat: 12g | Carbs: 40g | Fiber: 1g | Sodium: 115mg