Quick-Pickled Cucumbers (Tsukemono)

Barbara went back to Ashland on Monday and the apartment felt twice as empty. It is strange how quickly you adjust to having another person's energy in a space and how loud the silence is when they leave. Miya did not notice, of course — she is three months old and her world is breast milk and sleep and the slow discovery of her own hands, which she stares at like they are the most fascinating objects in the universe. Maybe they are. I have been staring at my own hands for forty years and I still have not figured out what to do with them.

The medication adjustment is helping. The panic has not gone away — it never goes away completely — but it has receded to the background, a hum instead of a scream. I can function. I can teach yoga, cook dinner, write blog posts, hold my daughter without counting her breaths. This is what management looks like. Not cure. Management. I have been managing since I was fourteen and I will be managing when I am eighty and that is okay. That is the deal.

I made Fumiko's tsukemono this week — quick-pickled cucumbers with salt, rice vinegar, and a little sugar. It is the simplest thing she makes and also one of my favorites because it is the perfect accompaniment to everything. Rice and pickles and miso soup — the holy trinity of Japanese home cooking, the meal that means home in any season. I sliced the cucumbers thin while Miya sat in her bouncer and watched me with her dark, serious eyes, and I thought: I am going to teach you this. Not now, not yet, but someday you will stand in a kitchen and slice cucumbers and you will not remember learning it because it will live in your body the way it lives in mine, the way it lived in Fumiko's.

Brian is working long hours — craft beer sales pick up in summer and he is out most evenings at events and tastings and the endless socializing that his job requires and that I find exhausting even to hear about. When he comes home he smells like hops and other people's laughter and I think: we live in different countries. His country is loud and social and runs on alcohol. Mine is quiet and internal and runs on dashi. I do not know how to build a bridge between these two countries. I am not sure either of us is trying.

The shiso on the balcony is sprouting. Three tiny green leaves pushing through the soil. Fumiko sent me the seeds from Sacramento. "Plant them facing south," she said. I did. They are growing. Some things you just have to trust.

The cucumbers felt like the only honest thing I could make that week — something Fumiko taught my hands before she taught my head, something quiet and internal and mine. There is no bridge to build with this recipe, no event to host, no crowd to feed; it is just salt and time doing their slow, certain work. Here is how I made them.

Prep Time: 10 minutes | Rest Time: 30 minutes | Total Time: 40 minutes | Servings: 4

Ingredients

2 Japanese cucumbers, or 1 English cucumber (about 12 oz total)
1 tsp kosher salt
2 tbsp rice vinegar
1 tsp granulated sugar
1/2 tsp soy sauce
1/4 tsp toasted sesame oil
1/2 tsp toasted sesame seeds, to finish (optional)
2–3 shiso leaves, thinly sliced, to finish (optional)

Instructions

Slice the cucumbers. Using a sharp knife or mandoline, cut the cucumbers into rounds as thin as you can manage — about 1/8 inch. Uniform slices will pickle evenly and look right on the plate.
Salt and rest. Place the cucumber slices in a bowl, toss with the kosher salt, and set aside for 20 to 30 minutes. The salt pulls water out; this is what gives tsukemono its texture rather than its brine.
Make the pickling liquid. In a small bowl, whisk together the rice vinegar, sugar, soy sauce, and sesame oil until the sugar dissolves completely.
Squeeze and drain. Working in small handfuls, squeeze the cucumbers firmly over the sink to press out as much liquid as possible. Transfer the squeezed cucumbers to a clean bowl. Discard the salting liquid.
Combine and marinate. Pour the pickling liquid over the cucumbers and toss to coat. Let sit for at least 10 minutes at room temperature, or refrigerate for up to 24 hours. The flavor deepens as it rests.
Finish and serve. Just before serving, scatter sesame seeds and sliced shiso leaves over the top if using. Serve cold or at room temperature alongside rice, miso soup, or anything that needs a bright, clean counterpoint.

Nutrition (per serving)

Quick-Pickled Cucumbers (Tsukemono) — The Thing Fumiko Taught My Hands Before She Taught My Mind