By I drove back to Denver Sunday. Lisa had been holding everything together for two weeks — four kids in the middle of summer, a job, the bills, the house. She held me in the doorway for a long time when I came in. I don't have the right words for what that felt like. I'll say it was the first moment since the call that I felt like I might be okay eventually, and leave it at that.
I spoke at Ruben's memorial. I talked about the day he ate an entire jar of pickled jalapeños on a dare when he was fifteen and couldn't taste anything for three days. I talked about his laugh, which was enormous, the kind of laugh that occupied a room. I talked about what it meant to be brave — not the absence of fear but the decision that something matters more than fear — and I said that Ruben made that decision every day, and I couldn't say it without losing it, and I lost it at the lectern in front of four hundred people. My father put his hand on my shoulder. That was everything.
Training camp starts Monday. I almost called the AD to say I couldn't do it, that someone else needed to run camp this year. I didn't. I showed up Monday morning at six AM and stood on the practice field in the summer heat and ran camp the way I always run camp. My guys needed to see me there. I needed to be there. I put on Ruben's dog tags under my polo. I've worn them to every game since. That's where they live now.
I can't cook much yet. Lisa has been cooking — simple things, pasta, soup, things that don't require what cooking used to require of me, which is presence. I'm not present the way I usually am. I'm here but I'm also somewhere in Helmand Province, and somewhere in my parents' kitchen, and somewhere in the memory of a fifteen-year-old who ate a jar of jalapeños on a dare and couldn't stop laughing about it even when he couldn't taste anything. I'll come back to the food when I come back. I know that I will.
Lisa has been the one cooking — simple things, she knows what we need right now. This pasta is exactly what she’s been reaching for: fast enough that it doesn’t demand much, good enough that the kids eat it without complaint, and warm in the way that matters when the house feels heavier than it should. When I’m ready to be back in the kitchen, I think this is where I’ll start — something that doesn’t ask for presence, just a pot and fifteen minutes and the willingness to feed the people you love.
Pasta with Pesto Cream Sauce
Prep Time: 5 minutes | Cook Time: 15 minutes | Total Time: 20 minutes | Servings: 6
Ingredients
- 1 lb penne or rotini pasta
- 2 tablespoons butter
- 3 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 cup heavy cream
- 1/2 cup basil pesto (store-bought or homemade)
- 1/2 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese, plus more for serving
- 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more for pasta water
- 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
- 1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes (optional)
- 1/2 cup reserved pasta cooking water
- Fresh basil leaves, for garnish
Instructions
- Cook the pasta. Bring a large pot of heavily salted water to a boil. Cook pasta according to package directions until al dente. Before draining, reserve 1/2 cup of the pasta cooking water. Drain and set aside.
- Build the sauce. In a large skillet over medium heat, melt the butter. Add the minced garlic and cook, stirring constantly, for about 1 minute until fragrant — do not let it brown.
- Add cream and pesto. Pour in the heavy cream and stir to combine with the garlic butter. Bring to a gentle simmer and cook for 2–3 minutes until slightly thickened. Stir in the pesto until fully incorporated.
- Finish with cheese. Reduce heat to low. Add the Parmesan and stir until melted and smooth. Season with salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes if using.
- Combine pasta and sauce. Add the drained pasta directly to the skillet and toss to coat. If the sauce feels too thick, add reserved pasta water a splash at a time until it reaches a silky, coating consistency.
- Serve. Plate immediately and top with extra Parmesan and fresh basil leaves. Best served right away.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 520 | Protein: 14g | Fat: 26g | Carbs: 58g | Fiber: 3g | Sodium: 420mg