Oreo Cheesecake Cookies

February. Month two of the taper. The dose reduced again: from 15mg to 10mg. Half of the original. Half of the chemical support that has held me upright for twenty-four years. The half feels significant in a way that the first reduction did not — half is a milestone, half is a midpoint, half is the place where you look back and see how far you've come and look forward and see how far you have to go and the looking-both-ways is the vertigo.

I made amazake — the sweet fermented rice drink, the February comfort — and the making was the ritual and the ritual was the anchor and the anchor held despite the vertigo. The amazake was warm and sweet and the sweetness was the response to the half-ness, the body saying: I need sweetness right now, the same way a child needs sweetness, the same way the brain needs serotonin, and the amazake is not serotonin but the amazake is something, and the something is warm and sweet and held in both hands.

The anxiety is — louder. Not screaming. But louder than it has been in years, the way a radio is louder when you turn down the static-cancellation. The static is the anxiety. The medication was the cancellation. The cancellation has been reduced by half and the static is audible and the audibility is the experiment and the experiment is: can I live with the static? Can the practice absorb the static? Can the yoga and the cooking and the writing and the therapy do what the pill has been doing? The answer is forming. The answer is: maybe. The maybe is honest. The maybe is the best I can do.

Valentine's Day: chocolate mochi with Miya. The card from Miya: "Happy Valentines Day Mama. I love you even when you cry at TV." The "even when" is the love that acknowledges the imperfect, the love that sees the crying and the weirdness and the rawness and says: I love you anyway, I love you including the crying, the crying is part of the you I love. The card is on the refrigerator. The gallery grows. The gallery now includes: a child's love for a mother who is, at thirty-nine, learning to live inside her own brain without a pharmaceutical net.

Valentine’s Day with Miya called for something she could help make — something that required hands and attention and the kind of simple focus that quiets the static for a little while. These Oreo cheesecake cookies were exactly that: soft and sweet and a little over-the-top in the way that February sometimes demands, the cream cheese in the dough giving them that yielding, almost pillowy texture that felt right for a day when Miya handed me a card that said she loves me even when I cry at TV. We ate them warm. The gallery on the refrigerator grew by one card, and I grew by one cookie, and that was enough.

Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 12 min | Total Time: 27 min | Servings: 24 cookies

Ingredients

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
4 oz cream cheese, softened
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups coarsely crushed Oreo cookies (about 14–16 cookies)
1 cup white chocolate chips or semi-sweet chocolate chips

Instructions

Preheat oven. Heat your oven to 350°F (175°C). Line two baking sheets with parchment paper and set aside.
Whisk dry ingredients. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.
Cream butter and cream cheese. In a large bowl, beat the softened butter and cream cheese together on medium speed until smooth and fluffy, about 2 minutes. The cream cheese is what gives these cookies their soft, almost pillowy texture.
Add sugars and egg. Beat in the granulated sugar and brown sugar until light and combined, about 1–2 minutes. Add the egg and vanilla extract and mix until just incorporated.
Combine wet and dry. Reduce the mixer to low and gradually add the flour mixture, mixing until a soft dough forms. Do not overmix.
Fold in Oreos and chips. Using a spatula or wooden spoon, gently fold in the crushed Oreo cookies and chocolate chips until evenly distributed throughout the dough.
Scoop and bake. Drop rounded tablespoons of dough onto the prepared baking sheets, spacing them about 2 inches apart. Bake for 10–12 minutes, until the edges are just set and the centers still look slightly underdone — they will firm up as they cool.
Cool and serve. Let cookies cool on the baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack. Serve warm or at room temperature. Store in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 4 days.

Nutrition (per serving)

Oreo Cheesecake Cookies — Something Sweet for the Half That Still Holds