My Go-To Brownie Recipe — The Pan I Make Every Year for Darla

This is the week I dread every year. November 3 was Thursday. Four years. Four years since Darla. Four years since a phone call on I-80 outside Columbus that split my life into before and after, and the after is where I live now, and I am used to it the way you get used to a limp: you adjust, you compensate, you keep walking, and most days you do not even notice. But November 3 is the day the limp shows.

I was on the road Thursday, which I did on purpose. I scheduled a run to Lincoln because I needed to be driving. I needed my hands on the wheel and the road in front of me and the engine noise filling the cab, because if I was home I would sit at the kitchen table and stare at the wall and feel the weight of it, and the kitchen table cannot hold that much weight. The truck can. The road can. I-80 has been holding my grief for four years and it has never once complained.

I called Gayle from the cab around noon. She answered on the first ring, which means she had been waiting. We did not say much. She said she had been to the cemetery in Kearney. I said I would go this weekend. She said okay. I said are you alright. She said I am fine, Brenda. I said I know. Neither of us was fine. Neither of us said so. That is how Novak women grieve: side by side, in silence, with the phone line open and nothing to say that has not been said a thousand times.

I did not cook on Thursday. Dave made macaroni and cheese from a box for the kids, which is his crisis meal, the meal he makes when he knows I cannot. I got home at eight and the house was dark except for the kitchen light, and Dave was at the table, and he had saved me a plate of the macaroni and cheese, and he did not say anything, he just pushed the plate toward me, and I sat down and ate it, and the macaroni and cheese was terrible the way box macaroni and cheese is always terrible, and it was the best thing I have ever eaten because Dave made it for me on the worst day of the year.

Saturday I made the chocolate sheet cake. I make it every year around this date. Darla loved it. Darla wanted it for her birthday every year. I make it now because the recipe is the closest I can get to holding her, and the frosting goes on warm, and the kitchen smells like Gayle kitchen, and for twenty minutes while the cake is baking, Darla is here. She is in the brown sugar and the cocoa and the buttermilk and the pecans. She is here, and then the timer goes off, and she is not, and I frost the cake and cut a piece and eat it standing at the counter, and the icing is fudgy and sweet and it tastes like my sister, and that is the best I can do. That is the very best I can do.

I make this recipe every year around November 3 — same brown sugar, same cocoa, same warm frosting poured straight from the pan. It’s not a celebration. It’s a keeping. Darla asked for chocolate cake every birthday, and this is the version that lives closest to what she loved: deep and fudgy, with the icing still soft when it hits the top and the pecans pressing in while everything is warm. I cut a piece and eat it standing at the counter, and that is enough. That is all I need it to be.

My Go-To Brownie Recipe {Deep, Dark Chocolate Brownies}

Prep Time: 20 min | Cook Time: 30 min | Total Time: 50 min | Servings: 24

Ingredients

• Brownies
• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter
• 2 cups granulated sugar
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 4 large eggs, room temperature
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup unsweetened dark cocoa powder
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 cup buttermilk
• Warm Fudge Frosting
• 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter
• 1/3 cup buttermilk
• 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 3 cups powdered sugar, sifted
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 3/4 cup chopped pecans

Instructions

1. Preheat and prep. Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease a 13x18-inch rimmed sheet pan (or a 9x13-inch pan for thicker brownies) and line with parchment paper, leaving an overhang on two sides.
2. Melt the butter. In a medium saucepan over medium heat, melt the butter completely. Remove from heat and whisk in the granulated sugar and brown sugar until combined and glossy.
3. Add eggs and vanilla. Let the butter mixture cool for 5 minutes, then whisk in the eggs one at a time, followed by the vanilla extract. Whisk vigorously until the batter is smooth and slightly thickened.
4. Add dry ingredients. Sift in the cocoa powder, flour, salt, and baking powder. Fold with a spatula until just combined — do not overmix. Stir in the buttermilk until the batter is smooth and uniform.
5. Bake. Pour batter into the prepared pan and spread to an even layer. Bake for 25–30 minutes, until the center is just set and a toothpick inserted 2 inches from the edge comes out with moist crumbs (not wet batter). Do not overbake.
6. Make the warm frosting. About 5 minutes before the brownies come out of the oven, combine butter, buttermilk, and cocoa powder in a medium saucepan over medium heat. Whisk continuously until the butter melts and the mixture comes to a gentle boil. Remove from heat and whisk in the powdered sugar and vanilla until completely smooth.
7. Frost immediately. Pour the warm frosting directly over the hot brownies as soon as they come out of the oven. Spread to the edges with an offset spatula. Scatter the chopped pecans evenly over the top and press gently so they adhere.
8. Cool before cutting. Let the brownies cool in the pan for at least 30 minutes before cutting. The frosting will set to a soft fudge finish. Cut into squares and serve from the pan, or lift out using the parchment overhang.

Nutrition (per serving)

Calories: 285 | Protein: 3g | Fat: 15g | Carbs: 38g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 90mg