By Sean is in the last days. He is barely eating now — a few sips of water, a spoon of broth every few hours. He is mostly asleep. He wakes briefly. He whispers. He says "Kate" and "love." He says the children's names. He is peaceful. He is not in pain — the hospice team has that managed.
Lucia has been here every day this week. She is being gentle. She is being present. She said Monday "we are in the last phase." She said "could be this week." She said to call her at any time, day or night. She gave me her cell.
I told Maureen. I told Grace. I called Meghan. Meghan drove down Tuesday and has not left. She is sleeping at our house now. Patrick is here every evening after shift. Sean Sr. is here every day. The phone has been going constantly with family checking in. I am not answering most of it. Meghan is answering it for me. She is my barrier. She is my filter. She is exactly what I need.
Liam has been calm. Calmer than I would expect. He has been on the bed-edge, sleeping in the room. He has been saying goodbye in his four-year-old way — he tells Sean every day what he did that day. He told Sean Wednesday he had learned to skip. He demonstrated by skipping across the living room. Sean opened his eyes. He watched. He smiled a very small smile. He closed his eyes. Liam said "did you see, Daddy." Sean nodded slightly. Liam said "I can do it." Sean whispered "good." That was enough.
Nora is with Grace most of the day. Nora is okay. Nora is three. She sees Daddy. She says "wuff yoo Daddy" and then goes back to playing. She does not know yet. She will know later. She will learn. We will all help her.
I have been sitting with Sean for most of the hours. I hold his hand. I read aloud sometimes. I sing sometimes — softly, whatever comes to mind, the songs we used to listen to. I have been reading the poem "Funeral Blues" a lot in my head but I have not read it aloud because it would break me open before the moment. I read Auden's "The More Loving One" to him instead. I read Mary Oliver. I read the first half of Gilead by Marilynne Robinson because he loves that book. He loves it still. He squeezes my hand.
Sean Sr. came Thursday evening. He sat for two hours. He did not talk. He held Sean's hand. He kissed Sean's forehead at the end. He said "Sean. Goodbye, son. Goodbye." He walked out. He did not look back. He did not speak to anyone on the way out. He went home. My mother said he sat in the living room for an hour without speaking.
Grace has been at the bedside a lot too. Grace whispers things to her son. I am not eavesdropping. I catch fragments. She says his name. She says "I love you, baby boy." She says she is proud. He responds to her voice. He squeezes her hand. She holds on.
The kids will be at my mother's when. Whenever. Maureen has been told. She will come get them. She will keep them. I will call. I will not make the call yet. I hold. We hold.
Meghan has been answering the phone, fielding the family, shielding me — and every now and then I have needed to do something with my hands that is not holding Sean’s hand, not reading aloud, not waiting. One evening while Liam was asleep and Meghan was on the couch, I made these. Five minutes. Brownies from the microwave. I cannot explain why it helped, but it did — the small act of making something, of having something warm and chocolate to put on the counter for whoever walked through the door next.
Microwave Brownies
Prep Time: 5 minutes | Cook Time: 3–4 minutes | Total Time: 10 minutes | Servings: 4
Ingredients
- 1/4 cup unsalted butter
- 1/2 cup granulated sugar
- 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
- 1 large egg
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
- 1/8 teaspoon salt
- 1/4 cup chocolate chips (optional)
Instructions
- Melt the butter. Place the butter in a microwave-safe mug or small bowl. Microwave on high for 30–40 seconds until fully melted.
- Mix in sugar and cocoa. Stir the granulated sugar and cocoa powder into the melted butter until smooth and well combined.
- Add the egg and vanilla. Crack in the egg and add the vanilla extract. Stir until the mixture is fully incorporated and glossy.
- Fold in flour and salt. Add the flour and salt, stirring gently until just combined — do not overmix.
- Add chocolate chips. If using, fold in the chocolate chips for extra richness.
- Microwave. Pour the batter into a lightly greased microwave-safe dish (an 8×8-inch dish or individual ramekins work well). Microwave on high for 90 seconds to 2 minutes, checking at 90 seconds. The brownies should be just set at the center — they will firm up as they cool.
- Cool and serve. Let the brownies rest for 3–5 minutes before cutting or scooping. Serve warm, plain, or with a dusting of powdered sugar.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 280 | Protein: 4g | Fat: 13g | Carbs: 39g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 95mg