Lighter New England Clam Chowder

Two weeks. Earl has been gone for two weeks and the world has had the audacity to keep turning. The sun comes up. The marsh tide goes in and out. The birds still sing in the garden that he planted. How dare they. How dare everything keep going when he stopped.

I eat crackers. Canned soup, sometimes, when Denise heats it up and sets it in front of me with that look — the one that's half plea, half order. I eat enough to make her stop worrying, which is not enough to stop her worrying, but it's what I can manage. I've lost eight pounds. My clothes hang on me like they belong to a bigger woman, which they do — a woman who cooked and ate and lived fully. That woman is somewhere inside me. I can't find her.

The school called. Mrs. Patterson, the principal, she called to say they miss me and they're managing with a substitute kitchen aide and to take all the time I need. I said, "Thank you," and hung up and stared at the phone. Four hundred children. Somebody else is feeding them. Somebody else is standing at my stove, scooping my portions, maybe sneaking extra fruit to the hungry ones or maybe not. I should care. I can't care. I can only carry one thing at a time right now and the thing I'm carrying is the weight of Earl's absence, and it is heavier than anything I have ever lifted.

Kayla comes every day now. She checks on me before her shift and after, and sometimes she just sits in the kitchen with me in silence. She doesn't try to fix it. She doesn't say "it'll get better" or "he's in a better place" or any of the things people say when they don't know what to say. She just sits. She holds my hand. She is twenty-two years old and she has already buried a father and a grandfather, and she knows that grief doesn't need words. It needs presence.

I found Earl's glasses on the nightstand. He didn't wear them to the living room that day — he'd been having a good vision day. The glasses are sitting where he left them, arms folded, lenses clean because I cleaned them for him every morning. I picked them up and I held them against my face, and they smelled like him, and I put them back exactly where they were and I will never move them. Some things stay where love put them.

The kitchen is still dark.

Denise found this recipe folded inside one of my old church cookbooks and left it on the counter without a word. I haven’t touched a pot in two weeks, but a chowder — a real one, not a can — felt like a small, honest thing I might one day be able to make again. Maybe for Kayla, who has been sitting in this dark kitchen with me. Maybe for myself, on a day when I can find that bigger woman again, even just long enough to stir something warm on the stove.

Prep Time: 15 minutes | Cook Time: 30 minutes | Total Time: 45 minutes | Servings: 6

Ingredients

4 slices center-cut bacon, chopped
1 medium yellow onion, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
3 stalks celery, sliced
1 1/2 pounds Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch cubes
2 cans (6.5 oz each) chopped clams, juice reserved
2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
1 cup 1% milk
1/2 cup half-and-half
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon fresh thyme leaves (or 1/4 teaspoon dried)
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more to taste
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
2 tablespoons fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped (for serving)
Oyster crackers, for serving

Instructions

Cook the bacon. In a large heavy-bottomed pot or Dutch oven over medium heat, cook the chopped bacon until crisp, about 5 minutes. Transfer to a paper-towel-lined plate with a slotted spoon, leaving the drippings in the pot.
Soften the vegetables. Add the onion and celery to the pot and cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and thyme and cook 1 minute more, until fragrant.
Build the base. Sprinkle the flour over the vegetables and stir to coat. Cook for 1 minute. Slowly pour in the reserved clam juice and chicken broth, stirring constantly to prevent lumps. Scrape up any browned bits from the bottom of the pot.
Add the potatoes. Add the cubed potatoes and bring the chowder to a gentle boil. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover partially, and simmer until potatoes are just tender, about 15 minutes.
Finish with dairy and clams. Stir in the milk and half-and-half. Add the clams and season with salt and pepper. Heat over low heat until warmed through, about 3 to 4 minutes. Do not boil after adding the dairy.
Serve. Ladle into bowls and top with the reserved bacon and fresh parsley. Serve with oyster crackers alongside.

Nutrition (per serving)

Lighter New England Clam Chowder — When Soup Is All You Can Manage