Lemon Cream Cupcakes -- Something Small and Sweet for the Days He Was Still Here

Sean finished the letters Monday. Nora's age 16, 17, 18. Three letters in one sitting. He was exhausted but he finished them. He said "Kate. That's all of them." I said "you did it, Sean." He said "there could be more. If I have more good hours, I will." I said "okay. But for now, you have done the letters. You have given them their letters." He said "good." He signed the last one in his own hand — shaky, but his signature, which I had him sign on a blank piece of paper I would place at the end when I printed the final version. He signed "Dad." He fell asleep fifteen seconds after.

We have twenty-eight letters for the two kids. Plus the milestone letters. Plus the letter to me. Plus a small note for each of them he had written on a card that says "For when you miss me. I am here." He signed these too. They will go on the children's nightstands when the time comes.

I am documenting what I am doing because I am going to have to remember it later. The brain goes into a specific mode during these days. You do the thing in front of you. You do not let your mind run forward. The notebook is my safeguard against the days disappearing.

Sean is in and out of lucidity. He has stretches where he is present and stretches where he sleeps and short stretches where he is confused about the time of day. The confusion has been mild so far. Lucia says the confusion is part of the pattern. She said I should not take it personally when he is confused. I do not. I tell him what time it is. I tell him who is in the room. I tell him I love him. I am constant. He responds to my voice even when he is not speaking.

Liam asked Friday night if Daddy is going to die this week. I took a long breath. I said "Liam. I do not know exactly. It might be. It might be next week or the week after. Daddy is very sick now." Liam said "can I sleep on his bed." I said "yes." I had not yet offered this. He had just asked. I said yes. That night he slept in the hospital bed, curled at Sean's side, on the extra space. Sean's left side. The weak side. Liam was gentle. He slept through the night. Sean slept too. I watched from the couch. I did not sleep much.

Saturday morning Liam woke up before Sean. He sat up carefully. He looked at his father. He kissed him on the forehead. He climbed out of the bed and came to me on the couch. He said "Daddy is still here, Mommy." I said "he is, Buddy." He said "I slept in his bed." I said "I know, Buddy. That was a good thing." He said "I want to do it every night until." He did not finish the sentence. I said "okay, Liam. Every night." He did. All week. Nora sleeps in her own bed. She is fine. Liam slept in Sean's bed every night this week. Sean slept too. Sean said Tuesday morning "Liam is a good boy." I said "he is." Sean said "keep him." I said "I will, Sean."

There is not much Sean can eat now, but he can take something small and sweet—a few bites, on a good morning. I started making these lemon cream cupcakes in the middle of all of this because I needed something to do with my hands, and because Liam and Nora needed something that felt normal, something that smelled like a kitchen that was still ours. I made a batch the morning after Liam first slept in Sean’s bed, and Sean ate half of one and said it was good. That was enough. That was everything.

Lemon Cream Cupcakes

Prep Time: 20 minutes | Cook Time: 18 minutes | Total Time: 38 minutes | Servings: 12 cupcakes

Ingredients

• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 2 large eggs, room temperature
• 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon lemon zest
• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup whole milk
• Lemon Cream Frosting:
• 1 cup unsalted butter, softened
• 3 cups powdered sugar, sifted
• 3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• 1 teaspoon lemon zest
• 2–3 tablespoons heavy cream
• Pinch of salt

Instructions

1. Preheat and prep. Preheat your oven to 350°F (175°C). Line a 12-cup muffin tin with paper liners and set aside.
2. Mix dry ingredients. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.
3. Cream butter and sugar. In a large bowl, beat the softened butter and granulated sugar together with a hand mixer or stand mixer on medium-high speed for 2–3 minutes, until light and fluffy.
4. Add eggs and flavorings. Add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Mix in the lemon juice, lemon zest, and vanilla extract until combined.
5. Alternate dry and wet. With the mixer on low, add the flour mixture in three additions, alternating with the milk in two additions (flour—milk—flour—milk—flour). Mix just until combined; do not overmix.
6. Fill and bake. Divide the batter evenly among the prepared liners, filling each about 2/3 full. Bake for 16–18 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool in the pan for 5 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely before frosting.
7. Make the frosting. Beat the softened butter on medium-high speed for 3 minutes until pale and creamy. Add the sifted powdered sugar one cup at a time, mixing on low. Add the lemon juice, lemon zest, heavy cream, and a pinch of salt. Increase speed to medium-high and beat for 2 minutes until light and fluffy. Add an extra tablespoon of cream if needed to reach a spreadable consistency.
8. Frost and serve. Pipe or spread the lemon cream frosting onto the cooled cupcakes. Top with a small curl of lemon zest if desired. Store covered at room temperature for up to 2 days, or refrigerate for up to 4 days.

Nutrition (per serving)

Calories: 420 | Protein: 3g | Fat: 24g | Carbs: 50g | Fiber: 0g | Sodium: 105mg