Hawaiian Dessert

Ten weeks. Almost at the telling mark. I have been carrying this thing quietly for ten weeks and the carrying has been heavy and light at the same time, the paradox of a secret that is entirely good. Tyler parents do not know. Marcus does not know. The Clarke family does not know. The daycare does not know. Crystal does not know. Gloria knows and Destiny does not know. It is a small circle and it has been right for this stage.

I am craving things I have not thought about in years. Banana pudding, which is Gloria comfort food, which makes sense. Saltine crackers, which is what I ate alone in the room at the third foster home when I was hungry and it was the thing available, which is a less comfortable craving but the body does what it does. I ate a sleeve of saltines on Tuesday without telling Tyler and then made banana pudding on Wednesday to balance the equation.

Cooking smells are different right now. Not bad, just more present. Everything smells louder. The garlic when Tyler makes pasta smells like garlic from another room. The coffee I cannot drink is torturing me with its smell every morning. I told Tyler he could not make coffee in the mornings for a while and he accepted this without complaint, switched to the diner before work, and texted me every morning to say he had gotten his coffee so I would not feel guilty. That is thoughtful. That is the man I married.

The banana pudding on Wednesday was supposed to be just for me, something soft and sweet to sit alongside whatever the saltines were saying, but it turned into this — a layered thing that holds banana pudding and crushed pineapple and a saltine crust all at once, because sometimes a recipe earns the right to carry contradictions. I have been making it on and off since then, and it tastes like something Gloria would bring to a table and something I would have been grateful for at twelve, and somehow that is exactly what I needed it to be.

Prep Time: 20 minutes | Cook Time: 0 minutes | Chill Time: 2 hours | Total Time: 2 hours 20 minutes | Servings: 12

Ingredients

1 sleeve (about 40) saltine crackers, finely crushed
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
8 oz cream cheese, softened to room temperature
1 cup powdered sugar
2 packages (3.4 oz each) instant banana pudding mix
3 cups cold whole milk
1 can (20 oz) crushed pineapple, well drained
2 ripe bananas, sliced
1 container (8 oz) frozen whipped topping, thawed, divided
1/4 cup sweetened shredded coconut, toasted, for garnish
Maraschino cherries, for garnish (optional)

Instructions

Make the crust. Combine finely crushed saltine crackers with melted butter in a bowl and stir until the mixture holds together like damp sand. Press firmly and evenly into the bottom of a 9x13-inch baking dish. Refrigerate while you prepare the layers.
Make the cream cheese layer. Beat softened cream cheese and powdered sugar together with a hand mixer until completely smooth and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Fold in half of the whipped topping (about 1 cup) until just combined. Spread evenly over the chilled saltine crust.
Make the pudding layer. Whisk both packages of banana pudding mix with the cold milk for 2 minutes, then let stand for 3–4 minutes until thickened. Spread the pudding in an even layer directly over the cream cheese layer.
Add the fruit. Scatter the drained crushed pineapple evenly over the pudding layer. Arrange banana slices over the pineapple in a single layer, pressing them gently so they sit flat.
Top and garnish. Spread the remaining whipped topping over the fruit layer, covering all the way to the edges. Sprinkle toasted coconut across the top and add maraschino cherries if using.
Chill. Cover the dish with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 2 hours, or overnight. The saltine crust will soften into something tender and layered rather than crisp — that is exactly right. Slice into squares and serve cold.

Nutrition (per serving)

Hawaiian Dessert — The Banana Pudding I Made to Balance the Equation