Grilled Spaghetti Squash Steaks

Derek's birthday was Thursday. He would have been twenty-one. I know this because I know everything about Derek Owens — his birthday, his mother's name, the way he held his rifle slightly too high, the brand of dip he liked, the girl back in Salina he was going to marry when we got home, the exact sound he made when he laughed, which was too loud and happened too often and was the best sound in any room he was in. I know everything about Derek Owens except how to stop knowing it.

I didn't tell Dr. Mercer about the birthday. She would have wanted to process it, and I don't want to process it. I want to carry it. There's a difference. Processing means turning it into something manageable. Carrying means it stays the size it is and you get stronger or you don't. I haven't decided which one I'm doing yet. Both. Neither. I'm standing next to a grill and the smoke is getting in my eyes and that's why they're wet. That's the story. That's always the story.

I made steaks. Two ribeyes, commissary grade, which means they're fine but they're not ranch beef and I can taste the difference because I grew up eating beef from animals I knew and these animals were strangers and the meat tastes like strangers. Salt. Cast iron would be better but I don't have cast iron, so: grill, hot as it goes, three minutes a side for medium-rare, rest five minutes on the foil. The sear was good. The fat cap rendered. I ate one and held the other one and looked at it and thought about how Derek and I used to talk about the first meal we'd have when we got home. He wanted barbecue from a place in Salina called Hickory Hut. I wanted Mom's biscuits and a ribeye from Dad's cattle. He got neither. I got half.

Called Mom Saturday. She said Dad saw the specialist in Billings. She said they're doing more tests. She said this in the same bright, managing voice she uses when the truth is still forming and she doesn't want to give it shape yet. I said okay. She said, "How are you eating?" I said, "Good." She said, "What did you make?" I said, "Steaks." She said, "Your father would be proud." I don't know why that hit me the way it did. I went outside after I hung up and stood under the Colorado sky, which is big but not Montana big, and I thought about fathers and sons and the distance between them and how some distances are fourteen hundred miles and some distances are six feet of Afghan dirt and both are unbearable. I went to bed. I didn't sleep.

The ribeyes are gone now, both of them — one eaten, one grieved over — and the grill is still out there on the patio. I’ve been going back to it. There’s something about standing over heat that I can’t explain and won’t try to. This is what I made the next night: spaghetti squash, cut thick and laid flat on the grates the same way I’d lay a steak, cooked until there were real char marks on it and it smelled like something worth eating. It’s not beef. It’s not Dad’s cattle. But the grill was already hot, and I was still hungry, and sometimes that’s enough of a reason.

Prep Time: 10 min | Cook Time: 20 min | Total Time: 30 min | Servings: 4

Ingredients

1 large spaghetti squash (about 3–4 lbs), ends trimmed
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon smoked paprika
Fresh parsley or thyme, for garnish (optional)

Instructions

Preheat the grill. Heat a gas or charcoal grill to medium-high heat, around 400°F. Clean and oil the grates well.
Slice the squash. Cut the spaghetti squash crosswise into 3/4-inch to 1-inch thick rounds. Use a sharp knife and a steady hand — the skin is tough. Remove any seeds from the center rings with a spoon.
Season. Brush both sides of each squash round generously with olive oil. Mix the salt, pepper, garlic powder, and smoked paprika in a small bowl, then season both sides of each “steak” evenly.
Grill the first side. Place squash rounds directly on the grill grates. Close the lid and cook undisturbed for 8–10 minutes, until you have clear grill marks and the edges begin to look translucent.
Flip and finish. Carefully flip each round with a wide spatula. Grill an additional 8–10 minutes on the second side, lid closed, until the squash is tender when pierced with a fork and the flesh pulls into strands easily.
Rest and serve. Transfer to a cutting board or plate and rest for 2–3 minutes. Garnish with fresh parsley or thyme if desired. Serve as a main or a side.

Nutrition (per serving)

Grilled Spaghetti Squash Steaks — The Grill Was Already Hot