Espresso Chocolate Chip Cookies

Halloween Monday. I handed out candy. Josie went with Rashida and two other friends. Tyler was too old and stayed home with me. Justin was at a team thing. Dave was at the truck stop on a late shift. Tyler and I sat on the front porch and he ate a Snickers from the bowl and he said, "Mom. Thursday." I said, "Yes, Ty." He said, "I know it's just you guys going. That's right." I said, "Thank you, honey." He said, "I'll do dinner that night." He meant Thursday — he would handle the boys' dinner so I could focus on the anniversary. He is 15 and he noticed and he offered. I hugged him. He let me. We sat on the porch some more.

Thursday, November 3. Ten years. Amber drove from Kearney in the Taurus. Justin sat in the back seat. I drove. Gayle sat beside me. Dave stayed home with Tyler and Josie. We drove to the cemetery in Kearney — the same one where Darla is buried, where Travis Wheeler is buried in a different section that we do not go near. I had brought a thermos of coffee and four mugs. I had brought a container of chocolate sheet cake, four slices, and four plastic forks.

We stood at her stone. The grass had grown in well. A bird sang somewhere. We did not speak for a long time. Then Gayle said, "Darla Lynn Novak Wheeler. I miss you every day. I am still here. Your children are a gift. Your sister is a gift. I love you." Gayle spoke the whole paragraph. Nobody responded. Gayle turned and sat in the chair I had brought her — I had known she would need one, she could not stand for long anymore.

I said, "Darla. I wrote a book. You are on the dedication page. You would tease me about the photograph. You would say the hair is bad." I laughed a little. Amber laughed. Justin did not laugh. Amber said, "Mom. Hi. I am in college now. I am going to do social work. I got it from you. You know I got it from you." Justin said, "Mom." Once. Then nothing else. I did not push. He had said it. That was all he needed to say.

We had cake and coffee standing by the stone. We drove home slowly. Amber dropped us at our house, hugged everyone, drove on to UNK. Justin went to his room and closed the door. Gayle sat in our kitchen for two hours in her chair. I made her dinner. Dave ate with her. Then I drove her home. She held my hand in the car. She said, "Brenda. Thank you for today." I said, "Ma. Thank you." We did not say anything else. Ten years. We are still here. She is still with us. The cake was in Tupperware in the fridge. We ate it the next day. She is in the cake. The cake is in us. The work goes on.

The chocolate sheet cake I brought to the cemetery that Thursday was not fancy — it was Tupperware and plastic forks and standing in the wind by a stone — but it was exactly right, because some food is not about taste so much as it is about presence. In the years since, when November 3 comes around and I want something in the kitchen that holds that same weight — chocolate, a little bitterness, something that stays with you — I come back to these espresso chocolate chip cookies. The coffee note in them reminds me of the thermos I carried that day, and the chocolate reminds me of Darla, and together they remind me that she is still in us, and the work goes on.

Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 12 min | Total Time: 27 min | Servings: 24 cookies

Ingredients

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons finely ground espresso powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened to room temperature
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips

Instructions

Preheat the oven. Heat your oven to 375°F. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper and set aside.
Mix the dry ingredients. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, espresso powder, baking soda, and salt until evenly combined.
Cream the butter and sugars. In a large bowl, beat the softened butter with both sugars using a hand mixer or stand mixer on medium speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
Add the eggs and vanilla. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then add the vanilla extract. Mix until smooth and well incorporated.
Combine wet and dry. Reduce mixer speed to low and gradually add the flour mixture, mixing just until no dry streaks remain. Do not overmix.
Fold in the chocolate chips. Using a rubber spatula or wooden spoon, stir in the chocolate chips until evenly distributed throughout the dough.
Portion the dough. Drop rounded tablespoons of dough onto the prepared baking sheets, spacing them about 2 inches apart.
Bake. Bake one sheet at a time for 10—12 minutes, until the edges are set and lightly golden but the centers still look slightly underdone. They will firm up as they cool.
Cool. Let cookies rest on the baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely. Store in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 5 days.

Nutrition (per serving)

Espresso Chocolate Chip Cookies — The Cake We Brought to Her Stone