By November 3. Seven years since Darla died. I do not count the years — the years count themselves, appearing in my mind unbidden, the way grief does: not when you invite it but when it decides to arrive. Seven years. Amber is fifteen. Justin is twelve. They are alive and fed and going to school and playing sports and doing homework and calling me Mom, and every one of those verbs is a miracle that I have earned through seven years of showing up, which is the only kind of miracle I believe in — the kind you make by not leaving.
I was on the road when the date turned. I was hauling a load near Columbus — the same stretch of I-80 where I got the call in 2012. I did not pull over this year. I drove through. I drove through the mile marker where I stopped and sat for two hours and where my life divided into before and after, and I drove through it at sixty-five miles per hour, and the driving-through is not healing, it is something else — it is choosing to keep moving, choosing the road over the shoulder, choosing forward over stopped.
I made the chocolate sheet cake Saturday. Not for a birthday, not for a celebration — for Darla. Because Darla loved this cake, and making it on the anniversary is the closest thing I have to visiting a church for my sister. The cake is the prayer. The frosting is the hymn. Amber ate two pieces. Justin ate one, slowly, with a glass of milk, and I watched him eat it and saw Darla in his face the way I always see Darla in his face, and the seeing is not painful anymore, not exactly — it is tender, like pressing on a bruise that has mostly healed but still remembers the impact.
I brought a piece to Gayle. She ate it at her kitchen table and said the frosting is right, which is Gayle's way of saying I love you and I remember and this cake is the thread that connects us to the girl we lost, and the thread holds, and we hold the thread.
The sheet cake I made for Darla is its own thing — the specific one she loved, the one Gayle and I have made so many times the recipe lives in our hands more than on paper — but these Double Chocolate Banana Muffins are what I reach for when I want that same feeling on a smaller, quieter scale: the smell of cocoa warming the kitchen, the way chocolate baking is its own kind of comfort that doesn’t ask you to explain yourself. If you’re baking for someone you’ve lost, or just baking because the day is heavy and your hands need something to do, start here.
Double Chocolate Banana Muffins
Prep Time: 10 minutes | Cook Time: 20 minutes | Total Time: 30 minutes | Servings: 12 muffins
Ingredients
- 3 ripe bananas, mashed (about 1 1/4 cups)
- 1/3 cup unsalted butter, melted
- 3/4 cup granulated sugar
- 1 large egg
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided
Instructions
- Preheat and prep. Preheat your oven to 350°F. Line a standard 12-cup muffin tin with paper liners or grease well with nonstick spray.
- Mash the bananas. In a large bowl, mash the ripe bananas with a fork until mostly smooth. A few small lumps are fine — they add moisture and texture.
- Combine wet ingredients. Stir the melted butter into the mashed bananas. Mix in the sugar, egg, and vanilla extract until well combined.
- Add dry ingredients. Sprinkle the baking soda, salt, and cocoa powder over the wet mixture and stir to incorporate. Add the flour and stir until just combined — do not overmix.
- Fold in chocolate chips. Reserve about 2 tablespoons of chocolate chips for topping, then fold the rest into the batter.
- Fill and top. Divide the batter evenly among the 12 muffin cups, filling each about 3/4 full. Scatter the reserved chocolate chips over the tops.
- Bake. Bake for 18–22 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center of a muffin comes out with just a few moist crumbs. Do not overbake — the centers should stay fudgy.
- Cool. Let the muffins cool in the pan for 5 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack. They are wonderful slightly warm.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 218 | Protein: 3g | Fat: 9g | Carbs: 34g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 148mg