By September 14th is coming. I can feel it the way you can feel a weather front — a heaviness in the chest that is not quite sadness and not quite anxiety but something that has elements of both. Jess has been dead four years. Four years is long enough that I do not expect people to ask. It is not long enough that I do not need them to.
School went into hybrid this week — some of my students in person, some still remote, me managing both simultaneously, which is a new kind of difficult that I had not anticipated. Teaching with a mask to children who need to see facial expressions. Teaching the same lesson twice, once in person and once over a screen. I went home Tuesday and sat on the couch without turning on any lights and Ryan came home from his shift and found me there and did not turn the lights on either. He sat next to me. We ate leftovers from the pot roast in the dark. That was enough.
I called Cathy, Jess mom, on Wednesday, the way I try to do in the week before the anniversary. She sounds both better and worse every year — better because grief changes shape, worse because four years means she has been carrying it four years. We talked for an hour. She told me something Jess had said once about me: that I was the kind of friend who showed up, not just when things were good but when they were not. I did not know how to respond to that. I said thank you. I think that was right.
The cooking this week was grief-adjacent — things that take little effort and give back warmth. Vegetable soup from whatever was in the fridge. Toast with butter and good salt at midnight because I could not sleep. A batch of Babcia Rose potato pancakes on Sunday because making them requires exactly the right kind of focus to occupy your hands without occupying your whole mind. I did not write a blog post. My readers understand by now. Some things are not for the blog.
The Babcia Rose potato pancakes I mentioned are a longer story for another day — one that requires me to be steadier than I was this week. What I can share right now are these blueberry buttermilk pancakes, because they ask the same thing of you: grated or measured, stirred and poured, tended at the stove one at a time. There’s a rhythm to pancakes that I find easier to hold onto than most things on the weeks when September gets heavy. Ryan made coffee. I made these. That division of labor felt like its own kind of love.
Dad’s Blueberry Buttermilk Pancakes
Prep Time: 10 min | Cook Time: 20 min | Total Time: 30 min | Servings: 4 (about 12 pancakes)
Ingredients
- 2 cups all-purpose flour
- 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
- 2 teaspoons baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 2 cups buttermilk, shaken
- 2 large eggs
- 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and slightly cooled
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
- 1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries
- Butter or neutral oil, for the pan
- Maple syrup, for serving
Instructions
- Mix dry ingredients. In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt until evenly combined.
- Mix wet ingredients. In a separate bowl or large measuring cup, whisk together the buttermilk, eggs, melted butter, and vanilla extract until smooth.
- Combine. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir gently with a spatula until just combined — lumps are fine and expected. Do not overmix. Let the batter rest for 5 minutes while you heat the pan.
- Heat the pan. Warm a large skillet or griddle over medium heat. Add a small pat of butter or a drizzle of oil and let it melt and coat the surface.
- Cook the pancakes. Pour approximately 1/4 cup of batter per pancake onto the skillet. Scatter 6–8 blueberries over each one immediately. Cook until bubbles form across the surface and the edges look set, about 2–3 minutes. Flip and cook another 1–2 minutes until the underside is golden brown.
- Keep warm and repeat. Transfer finished pancakes to a low oven (200°F) on a baking sheet to stay warm while you work through the remaining batter. Add butter or oil to the pan between batches as needed.
- Serve. Stack and serve immediately with maple syrup and additional fresh blueberries if you have them.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 390 | Protein: 12g | Fat: 12g | Carbs: 58g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 520mg