By Valentine's Day itself. I've been thinking — not with sadness, with something more like curiosity — about what the holiday means when you're alone but not unhappy about it. I'm thirty-six, sober four years, doing work I believe in, embedded in relationships that matter. The absence of a romantic partner is real. I'm not pretending it isn't real. But the holiday arrives and I make dinner for my parents and I notice that the longing for something more is lower this year than last, and lower last year than the year before. Either I'm getting more comfortable with solitude or I'm getting closer to being ready for something else. Possibly both.
Dr. Crain asked this month what I'm actively doing toward the life I said I wanted. In September I wrote — in this log — that I wanted to be in a relationship where someone knew all of it and was present anyway. Six months later what am I doing about that. I said I was doing therapy and I was paying attention and I was trying to be the version of myself that could offer what I wanted to receive. She said: That's necessary but it might not be sufficient. I said I knew. She didn't press it. She just let that sit in the room.
The spring is eight weeks away by the calendar. Calving in six. The days are noticeably longer than December, gaining three minutes a day. I notice this the way I notice the solstices: carefully, with gratitude, without pretending it's more or less than what it is. The light returns. The work continues. Something is coming. I don't know its name yet.
Made a lemon tart for Valentine's Day. Bright, sharp, the kind of dessert that wakes up the mouth in a month when everything else has been heavy and slow. The curd came out perfect — the right balance of sweet and sour. February doesn't have to be only what it has been.
The lemon tart I made that evening was the right call — tart, alive, something that refused to be muted by February. But the recipe I keep coming back to, the one that lives in the same emotional register, is this cream cheese rhubarb pie: that same sharpness, that same refusal to be only sweet, with a richness underneath that makes it feel like it means something. It’s the kind of dessert you make when you’re paying attention to what the season actually needs, not what you think it’s supposed to want. Dr. Crain’s words — necessary but not sufficient — kept coming back to me at the counter, and somehow a pie that balances cream cheese against rhubarb felt like the right answer to that.
Cream Cheese Rhubarb Pie
Prep Time: 20 minutes | Cook Time: 55 minutes | Total Time: 1 hour 15 minutes | Servings: 8
Ingredients
- 1 unbaked 9-inch pie crust
- 3 cups rhubarb, sliced into 1/2-inch pieces (fresh or thawed frozen)
- 8 oz cream cheese, softened
- 3/4 cup granulated sugar, divided
- 2 large eggs, divided
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/2 cup sour cream
- 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1 tablespoon lemon juice
- 1 teaspoon lemon zest
Instructions
- Preheat and prep. Preheat your oven to 375°F. Fit the unbaked pie crust into a 9-inch pie dish, crimp the edges, and set aside.
- Make the cream cheese layer. Beat the softened cream cheese with 1/4 cup of the sugar until smooth and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Add 1 egg and the vanilla extract, beating until just combined. Spread this mixture evenly across the bottom of the prepared pie crust.
- Prepare the rhubarb filling. In a medium bowl, toss the sliced rhubarb with the remaining 1/2 cup sugar, flour, salt, lemon juice, and lemon zest until evenly coated. Spoon the rhubarb mixture over the cream cheese layer, distributing it evenly.
- Make the sour cream topping. Whisk together the sour cream and the remaining egg until smooth. Pour this over the rhubarb layer, spreading gently to cover.
- Bake. Place the pie on the center rack and bake for 50—55 minutes, until the filling is set at the edges and just slightly jiggly at the center. The top should be lightly golden.
- Cool completely. Remove from the oven and let the pie cool to room temperature on a wire rack, at least 1 hour. Transfer to the refrigerator and chill for at least 2 hours before slicing — this pie sets up and slices best when cold.
- Serve. Slice and serve cold or at room temperature. A small spoonful of whipped cream on top is welcome but not required.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 310 | Protein: 5g | Fat: 17g | Carbs: 36g | Fiber: 1g | Sodium: 210mg