Cream Cheese Cheesecake Brownies

The vaccine is coming. The news says it — the first doses, somewhere, for someone, not for me, not yet, but the existence of it, the fact of it, the idea that a needle in an arm might end this — the idea is the first light after the longest dark, and I do not cry easily but I cried in the truck when I heard it, sitting at a loading dock in Lincoln with the engine idling and the radio on and the words 'vaccine distribution' floating through the cab like a weather report for a season I had stopped believing would come.

I called Gayle. I said, 'Mom, there's a vaccine.' She said, 'I heard.' I said, 'You should get it when it's available.' She said, 'I will think about it,' which in Gayle's language can mean 'yes' or 'no' or 'I will think about it while eating the dinner you brought and watching Wheel of Fortune and I will decide on my own terms because my terms are the only terms that exist.' I said, 'Please think about it seriously.' She said, 'I always think seriously. It is the only way I think.' This is true. Gayle does not have a casual thinking mode. Every thought is full-weight.

I finished my Christmas shopping — online this year, because the stores are a risk I am not taking, not with Gayle coming for Christmas, not with the stakes what they are. The packages arrive on the porch daily, a parade of boxes that Josie examines with the investigative enthusiasm of a ten-year-old forensic scientist. She shakes them. She weighs them in her hands. She holds them to her ear. She knows nothing and suspects everything, and the suspecting is the joy, and the joy is the season.

I made a practice batch of Gayle's fudge — the recipe on the card, the card in the shoebox, the shoebox I do not have yet but will have in three years when Gayle is gone and the recipes become relics. I do not know this yet. I know only that the fudge requires evaporated milk and semi-sweet chocolate chips and marshmallow fluff and butter, and the stirring is constant and the timing is crucial and the fudge sets or it does not and there is no fixing it once it is poured. Gayle's fudge. Gayle's recipe. Gayle's hands, teaching my hands, twenty-five years ago, the chocolate smell in her kitchen, the two of us stirring. The fudge set perfectly. Gayle would say it was adequate. Gayle's 'adequate' is the rest of the world's 'excellent.'

I couldn’t stop thinking about Gayle’s fudge after I made that practice batch — the way the chocolate smell filled the kitchen, the way the stirring felt like a conversation with her hands across twenty-five years. I didn’t have her exact card in front of me that day, but I had the feeling of it, and when I wanted to carry that feeling a little further into the season, I landed on these cream cheese cheesecake brownies: same rich chocolate center, same patient process, same reward when you finally cut into something that set exactly right. They’re not Gayle’s fudge — nothing will ever be — but they’re made in her spirit, and right now, with the vaccine coming and Christmas coming and Gayle coming, that spirit is enough.

Prep Time: 20 minutes | Cook Time: 35 minutes | Total Time: 55 minutes | Servings: 16

Ingredients

Brownie Layer:
1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 cup granulated sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
Cream Cheese Layer:
8 oz cream cheese, softened to room temperature
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 large egg
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Instructions

Preheat and prep. Heat oven to 350°F. Grease an 8x8-inch baking pan and line with parchment paper, leaving an overhang on two sides for easy lifting.
Make the brownie batter. Melt butter in a medium saucepan over low heat or in a microwave-safe bowl. Remove from heat and whisk in sugar until combined. Add eggs one at a time, whisking well after each. Stir in vanilla. Fold in cocoa powder, flour, salt, and baking powder until just combined — do not overmix.
Make the cream cheese layer. In a separate bowl, beat softened cream cheese with an electric mixer until smooth and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Add sugar, egg, and vanilla and beat until fully combined with no lumps remaining.
Layer and swirl. Pour all but about 1/2 cup of the brownie batter into the prepared pan, spreading it evenly to the edges. Spoon the cream cheese mixture over the top and spread gently. Drop the reserved brownie batter in small spoonfuls over the cream cheese layer. Drag a butter knife or skewer through the layers in a figure-eight motion to create a swirl pattern.
Bake. Bake for 33 to 37 minutes, until the center is just set and a toothpick inserted in the brownie portion comes out with moist crumbs but not wet batter. Do not overbake — the cream cheese layer firms as it cools.
Cool completely before cutting. Let the pan cool at room temperature for 1 hour, then refrigerate for at least 1 additional hour. Lift out using the parchment overhang, place on a cutting board, and slice into 16 squares with a sharp knife, wiping the blade clean between cuts.

Nutrition (per serving)

Cream Cheese Cheesecake Brownies — The Chocolate That Carries Her Forward