Coconut-Macadamia Sheet Pan Pancakes

Mother's Day was Sunday. I have had complicated Mother's Days for years, but this was the first one where I had a search pending, and the complication had a new texture. I bought Karen flowers and a card. I did not buy Jisoo anything because I do not have her address and because she does not know I exist and because she has not written and because she may never write and because I am trying not to jinx it by acting as if. I sat on the couch Saturday night trying to write Karen's card and wrote three drafts before I could make it feel right. The third draft said: "Mom. You taught me what a mother is. I'm still learning. I love you." Karen read it and cried. I cried. David took a picture of us crying. The picture is on my phone. I will not put it on the blog. Some pictures are private.

I went to Bellevue alone on Sunday. James had brunch with his own mother in San Jose over FaceTime — she is still there, his parents are still there, Taiwan-via-San-Jose, and his mother is in her seventies and his father is in his eighties and James will make that trip to meet them, eventually, but probably later this year. We made pancakes together at noon. I made jeon — yukjeon, beef pancakes — and served them with Karen's favorite dipping sauce made with soy and vinegar and a pinch of gochugaru. David ate four. Karen ate one and a half, slowly. She said, "This is the thing I was missing." I knew what she meant.

Dr. Yoon had her office closed for Mother's Day so we did not meet this week. I would have wanted to meet. I sat Saturday afternoon writing in my journal and the writing came out in Korean phrases mixed with English — small fragments like "umma" in the middle of English sentences, the way I sometimes think about Jisoo even though I have no relationship with her, no evidence of her, no proof that the word applies. I am practicing the word. I am preparing a language for a woman who may not materialize.

I called Kevin on Sunday night. He was at an AA meeting in Portland. He said, "Mother's Day is a bad one for a lot of people in the rooms." I said, "For a lot of reasons." He said, "Yeah. How's Mom?" I said, "She's holding." He said, "I love her, Steph. I didn't say it this year. Tell her." I told her. Karen said, "I know. Tell him I know."

Work: my first week in the new scope has been busy in the meeting-heavy way that I already resent. I coded for forty minutes on Tuesday. It was the best forty minutes of my work week. I miss the feeling of sinking into a function until the rest of the world vanishes. Meetings are the opposite — they require constant partial attention, and constant partial attention is the least interesting way to use a brain.

The recipe this week is yukjeon — thin slices of beef, salt and pepper, dredged in flour, dipped in egg, fried in sesame oil, served with the soy-vinegar dipping sauce. It is the jeon I made for both my mothers this week. The one at the table. The one in my imagination. Both real. Both real. Both real.

Pancakes were already on my mind when I sat down to write this week — the yukjeon I made for Karen, the word umma sitting half-formed in my journal, the strange doubling of a day that asked me to hold two mothers at once. I can’t share the yukjeon recipe yet because it still lives in my hands and not on paper, but I can share this: the sheet pan pancakes I have been making on slow Sundays when I want something that fills the kitchen with warmth without requiring me to stand at the stove and think. The coconut and macadamia pull at something tropical and gentle in me, and gentle was what I needed this week.

Prep Time: 10 min | Cook Time: 20 min | Total Time: 30 min | Servings: 8

Ingredients

2 cups all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups coconut milk (well shaken)
1/2 cup whole milk
2 large eggs
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and slightly cooled
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3/4 cup sweetened shredded coconut, divided
1/2 cup roasted macadamia nuts, roughly chopped, divided
Nonstick cooking spray
Maple syrup and sliced fresh fruit, for serving

Instructions

Preheat and prepare. Heat oven to 425°F. Line an 18x13-inch rimmed sheet pan with parchment paper and coat generously with nonstick cooking spray. Set aside.
Mix dry ingredients. In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt until evenly combined.
Mix wet ingredients. In a separate medium bowl, whisk together the coconut milk, whole milk, eggs, melted butter, and vanilla extract until smooth.
Combine. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir gently until just combined — a few small lumps are fine. Do not overmix or the pancakes will be tough.
Add mix-ins. Fold in 1/2 cup of the shredded coconut and 1/3 cup of the macadamia nuts.
Pour and top. Pour the batter onto the prepared sheet pan and spread evenly with a spatula. Scatter the remaining 1/4 cup shredded coconut and remaining macadamia nuts evenly over the top.
Bake. Bake for 18 to 22 minutes, until the pancake is puffed, set in the center, and golden at the edges. A toothpick inserted in the center should come out clean.
Slice and serve. Let rest 2 minutes, then cut into squares or rectangles. Serve warm with maple syrup and fresh fruit.

Nutrition (per serving)

Coconut-Macadamia Sheet Pan Pancakes — For Both My Mothers