By October. The apple cake month. Mr. Bianchi at the North Shore orchard saved my Cortlands again, and I drove out alone — Marvin stays home now, always — and bought twenty pounds and carried them into the kitchen and set them on the counter and looked at them and thought: these apples don't know I'm retired. These apples think I'm bringing them to the English department faculty lounge. These apples expect Helen Marcowitz to eat a piece between second and third period and say, "October would not be October without your apple cake."
Helen is not getting this apple cake. Not because I love her less but because I no longer walk the hallway to the faculty lounge, and the hallway is someone else's now, and the lounge is someone else's, and Helen is someone else's colleague now, and this is fine, and this is loss, and this is the cost of the pivot, and I am paying it in apples.
I made the cake anyway. Sylvia's recipe. Dense, dark, fragrant. I brought a piece to Mrs. DeLuca. I brought a piece to the Goldsteins. I left a piece on Helen's porch with a note: "October would not be October." She called me later and said, "You are retired but the cake is not." This is the nicest thing Helen has ever said, and Helen has said many nice things over twenty-two years, but this one I will keep. The cake is not retired. The cake continues. The cake is eternal.
Marvin has stopped following me. This is new — the shadowing has ended, replaced by something worse: a passive stillness, a sitting in the recliner without the impulse to move, without the anxiety that used to drive him to stay close. The neurologist says this is progression — the restlessness of the middle stages giving way to the passivity of the later stages. I preferred the restlessness. The restlessness meant he was still looking for something. The stillness means he has stopped looking. The stillness means the world has contracted to the recliner and the TV and the woman who brings food, and the contraction is nearly complete.
I wrote about apple cake on the blog. The full story: Mr. Bianchi, the Cortlands, Sylvia's recipe, Helen's review. The post was warm and nostalgic and did not mention the disease, because sometimes the blog is the room where the disease does not live, the room where apples are apples and cake is cake and the only thing being lost is the last slice.
The twenty pounds of Cortlands sitting on my counter after that drive to Mr. Bianchi’s orchard were always destined to become Sylvia’s cake first — but once the cake was sliced and delivered and Helen had said her perfect thing, I found myself with apples still left and a quiet kitchen and a Sunday morning that needed something. These pancakes are what I made. Applesauce carries the same fragrance as the cake — that cinnamon-and-October smell that means the year is turning — and making them felt like a way of saying: the apples still have more to give, and so do I.
Cinnamon Applesauce Pancakes
Prep Time: 10 minutes | Cook Time: 15 minutes | Total Time: 25 minutes | Servings: 4 (about 12 pancakes)
Ingredients
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- 1 tablespoon sugar
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 3/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
- 1/2 cup buttermilk
- 1 large egg
- 1 tablespoon unsalted butter, melted
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- Butter or nonstick spray, for the griddle
Instructions
- Mix the dry ingredients. In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt until evenly combined.
- Mix the wet ingredients. In a separate bowl, whisk together the applesauce, buttermilk, egg, melted butter, and vanilla extract until smooth.
- Combine. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir gently until just combined — a few small lumps are fine. Do not overmix or the pancakes will be tough.
- Rest the batter. Let the batter sit for 5 minutes while you heat the griddle. This allows the leaveners to activate and gives you fluffier pancakes.
- Heat the griddle. Warm a nonstick skillet or griddle over medium heat and lightly coat with butter or nonstick spray.
- Cook the pancakes. Pour about 1/4 cup of batter per pancake onto the griddle. Cook until bubbles form on the surface and the edges look set, about 2 to 3 minutes. Flip and cook an additional 1 to 2 minutes until golden on the bottom.
- Serve. Transfer to a warm plate and serve immediately with maple syrup, a dusting of cinnamon sugar, or a spoonful of warm applesauce on top.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 210 | Protein: 6g | Fat: 5g | Carbs: 36g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 310mg