By Week two of waiting. The database said four to six months and I keep doing the math anyway — how many emails would I expect per day, per week, what is the statistical likelihood that the match would come on a Tuesday versus a Thursday. James caught me making a spreadsheet on Sunday and took the laptop gently out of my hands and said, "Stephanie. Put it down." I put it down. I made kimchi jjigae instead. Third batch this month. James says I am making it the way some people pray.
Work has been the mercy of the week. I am deep in the Alexa NLP codebase on an ambiguity resolution problem — when a user says "play it again" which "it" does it mean — and the problem is a pleasure because it is solvable and finite. I spent two days on Thursday and Friday in a kind of trance with it, surfacing only for coffee and to check my email, which I told myself I would stop doing. I have not stopped doing it.
Dr. Yoon this week asked me what I am afraid of. I said nothing. I said: what if she is dead. What if she never wrote back. What if I don't match. What if I do match and she doesn't want to hear from me. What if I match and she does want to hear from me and I cannot survive the reality of her. Dr. Yoon listened and then said, "You have survived a lot already. You are stronger than you think." I am not sure I believed her but I left the session lighter anyway.
It snowed on Tuesday — a rare Seattle snow, an inch that shut everything down. James and I walked to Volunteer Park in boots I haven't worn since Bellevue high school and he held my gloved hand and we didn't talk about the database or the match or any of it. We talked about whether to repaint the bedroom. He wants sage green. I want gray. We compromised by not repainting the bedroom. I came home and made doenjang jjigae with the last of the anchovy stock from Saturday and ate it standing at the counter watching the snow turn to slush in the courtyard.
I texted Kevin on Saturday. He is five weeks into running the roastery's new pour-over bar and sounded genuinely happy — a register of his voice I am still calibrating to, after so many years of the other registers. He asked how the Korean class was going. I told him I had just started 201 and had successfully introduced myself as a software engineer who likes stew. He said that was probably the most accurate introduction any Korean-American adoptee had ever given. I laughed out loud in my kitchen at 3 PM on a Saturday, alone, and the sound surprised me. I am getting better at surprising myself.
The recipe this week is a simple doenjang jjigae — just doenjang, anchovy stock, potato, zucchini, tofu, green onion. Five ingredients plus the stock, and yet every time I make it I understand why Jisoo — who I will not name yet, who I have not named yet, who is still just a possibility on a database somewhere — why someone like her would have cooked it for me if she had been allowed to. It is the dish that says I know you are tired. Here is something warm. Sit down. Eat.
I know the doenjang jjigae I described above is the dish that really held me this week — but the zucchini was the thing that made me think of this recipe too, the one I make when I want warmth without ceremony, when I need my hands to be doing something useful and simple. Chicken and zucchini in foil, sealed up tight, steaming in their own quiet way: there is something in that sealed pocket of heat that feels, right now, like the right metaphor. You put the thing in. You wait. It becomes what it was always going to become.
Chicken And Zucchini Foil Packs
Prep Time: 10 min | Cook Time: 25 min | Total Time: 35 min | Servings: 4
Ingredients
- 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (about 6 oz each)
- 2 medium zucchini, sliced into 1/4-inch rounds
- 1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved
- 3 cloves garlic, minced
- 2 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning
- 1/2 teaspoon smoked paprika
- 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
- 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
- 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese (optional)
- Fresh parsley, chopped, for serving
Instructions
- Preheat. Preheat your oven to 400°F (or prepare a grill for medium-high heat). Tear off four large sheets of heavy-duty aluminum foil, each about 14 inches long.
- Season the chicken. In a small bowl, combine the olive oil, garlic, Italian seasoning, smoked paprika, salt, and pepper. Brush or spoon this mixture evenly over both sides of each chicken breast.
- Build the packs. Place one seasoned chicken breast in the center of each foil sheet. Arrange the zucchini slices and cherry tomatoes around and on top of the chicken in an even layer.
- Seal. Fold the long sides of the foil up and over the chicken, then fold in the short ends to create a tight, sealed packet. Leave a little room inside for steam to circulate.
- Cook. Place the foil packs on a baking sheet and bake for 22—26 minutes, until the chicken reaches an internal temperature of 165°F and the zucchini is just tender. If grilling, place packets directly on grates and cook 20—24 minutes, flipping once halfway through.
- Finish and serve. Carefully open each packet away from you to release the steam. Sprinkle with Parmesan if using, and top with fresh parsley. Serve directly in the foil or transfer to plates.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 310 | Protein: 42g | Fat: 11g | Carbs: 7g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 390mg