By Week two hundred. I have been keeping this log for two hundred weeks now — not every week with perfect consistency, not every week with great drama or significance, but two hundred weeks of: what I cooked, what happened, what I was carrying when I stood at the stove. It started in a dorm kitchen in NIU in 2016 with rice and beans and grief that had no shape yet. It is in a Pilsen apartment in 2020 with the cast iron and the recipe notebook and a man who reads the blog and brings preserved lemons from his grandmother and fixed the faucet at my parents' house without being asked.
Two hundred weeks of cooking on very little. Two hundred weeks of staying upright — sometimes barely, sometimes easily, always. Jess has been gone for three and a half years. I still go to Holy Sepulchre Cemetery on September 14th with sunflowers. I still light the candle on April 11th and make the eggs over-medium in the cast iron. She is not gone in the ways that matter. She is in the kitchen every time I make them right.
Made the lemon cake this week — my birthday cake, the one Patty makes every March 3rd, the one she shipped to the dorm in 2017 slightly crushed on one side. I made it myself for the first time, without occasion, just because I wanted it and I know how to make it now. Patty's recipe, which she emailed to me last year when I asked. Real lemon zest in the batter. Real lemon zest in the glaze. It came out slightly tilted on one side because my baking pans are not level, exactly the way Patty's tilts. I ate a slice at the kitchen table by the east window. It tasted exactly right.
Week two hundred. I am twenty-four years old and I am a teacher and I am writing a book and I am in love with a man who fixes faucets and brings preserved lemons and understood without being told that September 14th needs space. I am the granddaughter of a woman who left a recipe book in Poland and carried every recipe in her head for sixty years and is teaching me to make the pierogi right. I have the recipes. I have the room. I have the people. The staying upright is the hard part. The soup is easy. And I have been making the soup for two hundred weeks, and I know how, and I am not going to stop.
The lemon cake is Patty’s, and now it’s mine too—but this Caramel Nut Breakfast Cake is what I’ve been reaching for on ordinary mornings, the kind where there’s no occasion and no audience, just the east window and a slice of something sweet I made myself. That’s the whole lesson of week two hundred, I think: you stop waiting for the right moment and you just bake the cake. The caramel pulls in the same way Patty’s glaze does, and the nuts give it enough heft to feel like something you earned. Make it on a Tuesday. Make it because you know how.
Caramel Nut Breakfast Cake
Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 35 min | Total Time: 50 min | Servings: 9
Ingredients
- 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 cup packed light brown sugar
- 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
- 1/2 cup sour cream
- 1 large egg
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 cup chopped pecans or walnuts
- 1/4 cup packed brown sugar (for topping)
- 2 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces (for topping)
- 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Instructions
- Preheat and prep. Heat oven to 350°F. Grease an 8x8-inch baking pan and set aside.
- Make the topping. In a small bowl, combine 1/4 cup brown sugar, cold butter pieces, cinnamon, and chopped nuts. Use your fingers or a fork to work the butter into the mixture until crumbly. Set aside.
- Cream butter and sugar. In a large bowl, beat softened butter and 1 cup brown sugar together until light and fluffy, about 2–3 minutes.
- Add wet ingredients. Beat in the egg, sour cream, and vanilla extract until smooth and well combined.
- Add dry ingredients. Add flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Stir until just combined—do not overmix.
- Assemble. Spread the batter evenly into the prepared pan. Sprinkle the caramel nut topping evenly over the surface.
- Bake. Bake for 32–36 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean and the topping is golden and set. The cake may settle slightly—that’s fine.
- Cool and serve. Let cool in the pan for at least 10 minutes before slicing. Serve warm or at room temperature, with coffee or without anything at all.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 340 | Protein: 4g | Fat: 17g | Carbs: 45g | Fiber: 1g | Sodium: 190mg