Browned Butter Spice Cookies

December. The stability continues. The feeling-good continues. The thought about the medication continues: maybe I don't need it. The thought is not impulsive — it has been forming for months, the way miso forms in the dark, slowly, invisibly. The stability feels earned, feels real, feels like the product of ten years of practice (yoga, cooking, writing, therapy) rather than the product of a pill. The pill has been part of the regimen for twenty-four years. The pill has been a constant. The question is: what happens if the constant is removed? Does the structure hold? Are the other pillars strong enough?

I talked to my therapist about it. She was cautious: "The medication is working. Why change what's working?" I said: "Because I want to know who I am without it. After twenty-four years, I want to know if the anxiety is still there or if the practice has replaced it." My therapist wrote something down. The pen-on-paper sound. The sound that means: proceed carefully. The carefully is noted.

I made matcha shortbread for the holiday distribution — the annual batch, the green cookies, the December tradition. The cookies went to neighbors, to the school, to the yoga studio, to Brian and Lisa, to Ken (mailed, in a tin, with a note that said "Merry Christmas, Dad"). The distribution is the love. The love is the cookies. The cookies are green and buttery and taste like both countries at once.

The kuromame started soaking — the nail, the beans, the two-day vigil. Miya handled the soaking this year — measured the beans, added the nail, covered with water, set the timer. She is nine in August. She is already cooking Fumiko's New Year's food. She is already the next generation. The next generation is competent. The next generation is present. The next generation is soaking kuromame with a rusty nail, the way the previous generation did, the way the generation before that did, the way the chain requires.

The matcha shortbread went out the door in tins and bags and brown paper, the way it always does in December — and once the distribution was done, I found myself back at the counter, the butter already browning for one more batch. These browned butter spice cookies are what I make when the green cookies are gone and the house still smells like a kitchen that has been worked hard and loved well; they are the second wave, the ones that stay home, the ones Miya reaches for while the kuromame is still soaking on the counter. The warmth of the spices and the nutty depth of the browned butter feel like exactly the right thing to be making while a careful thought continues to form.

Prep Time: 20 minutes | Cook Time: 12 minutes | Total Time: 32 minutes (plus 1 hour chill time) | Servings: 36 cookies

Ingredients

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
3 tablespoons granulated sugar (for rolling)
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon (for rolling)

Instructions

Brown the butter. In a light-colored saucepan over medium heat, melt the butter, stirring frequently. Continue cooking until the foam subsides and the milk solids turn golden brown and smell nutty, about 5–7 minutes. Pour immediately into a large mixing bowl and let cool for 15 minutes.
Mix the sugars and eggs. Whisk the granulated sugar and brown sugar into the cooled browned butter until combined. Add the eggs one at a time, whisking well after each addition. Stir in the vanilla extract.
Combine the dry ingredients. In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, ginger, cloves, and nutmeg.
Form the dough. Fold the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients with a spatula until just combined and no flour streaks remain. Cover the bowl and refrigerate for at least 1 hour, or overnight.
Preheat and prepare. When ready to bake, preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C). Line two baking sheets with parchment paper. In a small bowl, stir together the rolling sugar and cinnamon.
Shape the cookies. Scoop the dough into 1 1/2-tablespoon balls. Roll each ball in the cinnamon sugar until evenly coated, then place 2 inches apart on the prepared baking sheets.
Bake. Bake for 10–12 minutes, until the edges are set and the centers look just slightly underdone. They will firm up as they cool. Do not overbake.
Cool. Let the cookies cool on the baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely. Store in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 5 days, or freeze for up to 3 months.

Nutrition (per serving)

Browned Butter Spice Cookies — The December Distribution