By The discharge paperwork moved. Dr. Mercer said the medical evaluation board reviewed my file and the recommendation is separation — medical discharge, honorable, effective sometime in the next few months. She said it carefully, watching my face. I didn't give her anything to watch. I said okay. She said it's okay to feel things about it. I said I feel okay. She wrote on her pad. I stared at the wall behind her head where there's a poster about coping strategies that I've memorized without trying and that hasn't helped me cope with anything.
The truth is I don't know what I feel. The Army is the only structure I've had since I was eighteen. Before that it was the ranch, which is its own kind of Army — you get up, you work, someone tells you where to be. I've never been a person without a structure telling me what to do next. In a few months I'll be a civilian with a disability check and a Purple Heart and a head full of broken glass and nobody telling me where to be at 0600. The ranch is there. Dad said the ranch is there. But going back to the ranch means going back to the room I grew up in and the porch where I sat as a kid and the sky that saw me leave and will see me come home lesser than I left, and I don't know if I can stand that. I don't know if the sky will notice. I know I will.
I cooked Wednesday. Burgers. Back to basics — ground beef, loose, salt, hot coals. Dad's method. I made six this time. Ate two, wrapped four. I've started keeping food in the mini-fridge in my room — cold chicken, wrapped burgers, whatever's left. It feels like stocking a pantry, which feels like planning for tomorrow, which feels like something a person does when they intend to be here tomorrow. I don't say that to Dr. Mercer. She'd write it on her pad and it would become clinical, and right now it's mine. Cold burgers in a mini-fridge. Mine.
Called Mom Saturday. She said Patrick went to the doctor. She said this casually, like it was nothing, which means it was everything. He has a referral to a specialist in Billings. She didn't say what kind. I didn't ask. The not-asking is how we do this — we leave space around the hard thing and walk carefully near it and hope the ground holds. The ground usually holds. Montana ground is strong. You can build on it. You can bury in it. You can stand on it at 0300 staring at the sky and it holds you either way. I'm counting on that. I'm counting on the ground.
That call with Mom sat with me all Saturday night—the careful way she said it, the things we didn’t ask, the ground we were both trusting to hold. I needed to do something with my hands, something that felt solid and warm and worth making. Bourbon meatballs aren’t subtle, and that felt right: something with weight to it, something you can smell from across the room, something that says tomorrow is worth cooking for. Here’s how I made them.
Bourbon Meatballs
Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 25 min | Total Time: 40 min | Servings: 6 (about 24 meatballs)
Ingredients
- 1 1/2 lbs ground beef (80/20)
- 1/3 cup breadcrumbs
- 1 egg
- 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
- 1/2 teaspoon onion powder
- 1 teaspoon kosher salt
- 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
- 1 tablespoon neutral oil (for browning)
- 1/3 cup bourbon
- 1/3 cup brown sugar, packed
- 1/4 cup ketchup
- 2 tablespoons soy sauce
- 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
- 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes (optional)
Instructions
- Mix the meatballs. In a large bowl, combine the ground beef, breadcrumbs, egg, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, and pepper. Mix until just combined — don’t overwork it. Loose is better here.
- Form. Roll into balls about 1 1/2 inches across. You should get roughly 24. Set them on a plate without crowding.
- Brown. Heat oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Working in batches, brown the meatballs on two or three sides, about 2–3 minutes per side. They don’t need to be cooked through yet. Transfer to a plate.
- Make the sauce. In the same skillet, pour in the bourbon and let it cook down for about 1 minute, scraping up any browned bits. Add the brown sugar, ketchup, soy sauce, vinegar, and red pepper flakes. Stir and bring to a simmer.
- Finish together. Return all the meatballs to the skillet. Spoon sauce over them, reduce heat to medium-low, and cook uncovered for 10–12 minutes, turning occasionally, until meatballs are cooked through and sauce has thickened.
- Cool and store. Serve immediately over rice or on their own. To store, let cool completely, then wrap or container them up. They keep well in the fridge for 4 days and reheat easily on the stovetop or in the microwave.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 370 | Protein: 22g | Fat: 18g | Carbs: 22g | Fiber: 0g | Sodium: 620mg