By Third week. I am still at my parents'. I am thinking about going home. I am not quite ready. My mother says stay. Sean Sr. says stay. Meghan says do what I need. I do not know what I need.
Meghan has been coming every day. She brings lunch. She sits with me. She does not make me talk. She is the only person who gets this right. My mother is trying to fix things. Meghan is not trying to fix things. Meghan is just being here.
I went to a doctor Tuesday — my own doctor, Dr. Patel, for a check-in. I am a nurse. I know that grief does things to the body. I had lost six pounds in three weeks. I had not been sleeping. Dr. Patel said "Kate. You are doing better than most people in your position." She said "do not take sleep meds yet. Drink water. Eat. Walk for twenty minutes a day. Let grief move through the body. Your body knows." She said "see me in a month." I said "okay." I walked home from her office on Broadway. I walked past the three-decker. I got home. I ate a bowl of oatmeal. I took a nap. Two-hour nap. When I woke up I felt slightly better.
The kids are returning to some routines. Liam had a playdate with Benny from preschool Wednesday. He had fun. He came back and said "Mommy I had fun." Then he cried. Then he said "I feel bad for having fun." I sat him down. I said "Liam. Having fun is okay. Daddy wants you to have fun. It is good to have fun. You are not betraying anyone." He said "okay." He cried more. Then he stopped. Then he went to his cousins' house for dinner. He has been okay since.
Nora is mostly Nora. She is playing. She is eating. She is saying "Daddy is in heaven" when asked. She is three. She does not understand the permanence. She understands the current situation. She will grieve later, in different ways, when she is older. I know this. I will be ready.
I have not cooked in four weeks. I will cook when I can. I will not force it. I will let it come back.
Dr. Patel told me to eat. She didn’t say make something beautiful or get back in the kitchen—she just said eat. This blueberry milk is what I made the evening after I walked home from her office, after the oatmeal, when I wanted something cold and a little sweet and barely any effort at all. It took five minutes. It felt like enough. It was enough.
Blueberry Milk
Prep Time: 5 min | Cook Time: 0 min | Total Time: 5 min | Servings: 2
Ingredients
- 1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries
- 2 cups whole milk (or oat milk)
- 2 tablespoons honey or maple syrup
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- Pinch of fine salt
- Ice, for serving
Instructions
- Blend the blueberries. Add blueberries to a blender and blend on high for about 30 seconds until completely smooth.
- Strain. Pour the blueberry puree through a fine mesh strainer into a bowl or large measuring cup, pressing firmly with the back of a spoon to extract as much liquid as possible. Discard the skins.
- Mix. Whisk the strained blueberry liquid into the milk until fully combined. Add honey, vanilla, and salt, and stir again.
- Taste and adjust. Add more honey if you want it sweeter. A second pinch of salt deepens the blueberry flavor if it tastes flat.
- Serve. Pour over a glass of ice and drink cold. Keeps in the refrigerator for up to two days—shake or stir before pouring.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 185 | Protein: 8g | Fat: 5g | Carbs: 29g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 115mg