By Sean would have turned 36 Tuesday. He was born April 23, 1988. He died at 35.
I took a half day. I did not tell work it was why. I just said I had an appointment.
I went to the cemetery in Mount Auburn with two cups of coffee, one for me and one I set on the grass by the headstone even though I know that is ridiculous. I talked to him. I told him Liam lost two teeth and Nora is negotiating over hers. I told him about the grief group and Bernadette. I told him the Red Sox are 10-13 and it is going to be a long season. I told him I miss him. I told him I am still mad at him for dying. I told him I love him.
I drove home. I did not cry in the car, which surprised me. I cried later, at 9 PM, in the kitchen, after the kids were asleep, with my forehead against the refrigerator door, for about four minutes. Then I stopped. I made tea. I sat at the table.
Meghan called at 11, as she does. She said Katie. I said Meg. She said today was hard. I said today was hard. She said I love you. I said I love you.
Group Tuesday night. I talked about the birthday. Bernadette said the dead keep having birthdays and we keep celebrating them and that is correct. I wrote that down.
Saturday pancakes. I doubled the blueberries because Sean liked them extra-blue. Liam noticed. Nora said what kind of pancakes are these and I said Daddy pancakes. She accepted this.
Sunday dinner at Southie. Ma made baked ziti because she knows I do not want to think this week. Ma is good like that. She did not mention the birthday. Dad did not mention the birthday. Patrick did not mention the birthday. They all knew I knew they knew. That is how Irish families do a birthday after a funeral.
Food of the week: blueberry buttermilk pancakes, extra blueberries. For Sean. Who would have been 36. Who is 35 forever.
I made the blueberry pancakes for the kids on Saturday — Daddy pancakes, extra-blue — and that felt right. But some weeks I want to do something a little more, something that takes just enough effort to keep my hands busy without asking too much of my brain. Apple fritter rings are that recipe for me: sweet, warm, a little crispy at the edges, the kind of thing that makes Liam and Nora crowd around the stove asking if they’re ready yet. Sean would have eaten four of them standing at the counter before I could get them onto a plate. That’s reason enough.
Apple Fritter Rings
Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 20 min | Total Time: 35 min | Servings: 4
Ingredients
- 2 large apples (Honeycrisp or Granny Smith), peeled and cored
- 1 cup all-purpose flour
- 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 3/4 cup buttermilk
- 1 large egg
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- Vegetable oil, for frying (about 2 cups)
- 1/4 cup powdered sugar, for dusting
Instructions
- Slice the apples. Cut apples crosswise into 1/2-inch rounds. Pat dry with paper towels and set aside on a plate.
- Make the batter. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, granulated sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt. In a small bowl, whisk together buttermilk, egg, and vanilla. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and stir until just combined — a few small lumps are fine.
- Heat the oil. Pour oil into a deep skillet or heavy saucepan to a depth of about 1 inch. Heat over medium to 375°F. If you don’t have a thermometer, drop a small bit of batter in — it should sizzle and float immediately.
- Fry the rings. Dip each apple ring into the batter, letting the excess drip off, then carefully lower into the hot oil. Fry 2–3 rings at a time, 2 minutes per side, until deep golden brown. Do not crowd the pan.
- Drain and dust. Transfer cooked rings to a paper-towel-lined plate. While still warm, dust generously with powdered sugar. Serve immediately.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 310 | Protein: 6g | Fat: 11g | Carbs: 47g | Fiber: 3g | Sodium: 210mg