By The search came back. Crystal Dawkins, born 1979, last known location Mobile, Alabama. A current address at a women's shelter. A previous address and two employer records, one of which is a gas station called Quick-Mart on a street in Mobile. She appears to have lived at the shelter address for approximately two years.
I read the report three times. Then I put my phone face-down on the counter and made coffee and drank half of it and then I cried for a while, which I had been expecting but which came from a direction I had not fully expected. Not grief. Something more like recognition. She is real. She is specific. She is at a gas station in Mobile, Alabama, forty-five years old, at a women's shelter, which tells me some things without telling me everything.
I called Tyler. I told him what the search had found. He said nothing for a moment and then said: what do you want to do? I said I do not know yet. He said: that is okay. You can sit with this as long as you need. I said thank you. He said I love you. I said I know. He said: say it back when you are ready. I said it back. We have said it before but this particular time felt different, weighted, like it was carrying all the difficulty of the week and I was saying it as a way of saying: I am glad you exist. I am glad you are here. He said: me too.
After I set my phone face-down and drank my coffee and cried, I needed something to do with my hands — something that didn’t require thinking but still required showing up. I’ve made this apple crisp so many times that my body almost knows it without me, and that was exactly what I needed: a recipe that holds you while you’re still figuring out how to hold everything else. It smelled like warmth by the time Tyler came over, and sometimes that’s the whole point.
Apple Crisp Recipe
Prep Time: 15 minutes | Cook Time: 45 minutes | Total Time: 1 hour | Servings: 8
Ingredients
- 6 medium apples, peeled, cored, and sliced (about 6 cups)
- 2 tablespoons granulated sugar
- 1 teaspoon cinnamon, divided
- 1 tablespoon lemon juice
- 1 cup old-fashioned rolled oats
- 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
- 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
- 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, cold and cut into small cubes
Instructions
- Preheat oven. Heat your oven to 350°F. Lightly butter a 9x13-inch baking dish or a similar 3-quart baking dish.
- Prepare the apples. Toss the sliced apples with the granulated sugar, 1/2 teaspoon of the cinnamon, and the lemon juice. Spread evenly in the prepared baking dish.
- Make the topping. In a medium bowl, combine the oats, flour, brown sugar, remaining 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt. Add the cold butter cubes and use your fingers or a pastry cutter to work the butter into the dry ingredients until the mixture resembles coarse, clumpy crumbs.
- Assemble and bake. Spread the topping evenly over the apple layer. Bake for 40—45 minutes, until the topping is golden brown and the apple juices are bubbling up around the edges.
- Rest and serve. Let the crisp rest for at least 10 minutes before serving. Serve warm, plain or with vanilla ice cream or a dollop of whipped cream.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 320 | Protein: 3g | Fat: 12g | Carbs: 52g | Fiber: 4g | Sodium: 85mg