Angel Rolls — The Smell Was Stronger Than the Grief

One week until Christmas. I have been baking. Sugar cookies with Josie, who decorates them with the aggressive enthusiasm of an eight-year-old who believes more frosting is always better, and she is right. Amber helped — she is precise where Josie is chaotic, careful where Josie is bold, and the contrast between them at the kitchen counter is the contrast between two kinds of strength, the cautious kind and the fearless kind, and I love them both with a ferocity that frightens me sometimes.

I bought the Christmas tree Saturday. A real tree, from the lot on North Elm, the same lot we have bought from every year since Tyler was a baby. Dave strapped it to the truck. The boys carried it inside. It is too tall for the living room, which is the tradition — every year the tree is too tall, every year Dave trims two inches off the bottom, every year I say we should measure first, and every year we don't, because the not-measuring is part of it, the chaos is part of it, the ritual of the too-tall tree is ours and I will not trade it for efficiency.

Tyler strung the lights. Justin hung the ornaments. Josie put the star on top, standing on Dave's shoulders, which is a trust exercise disguised as a holiday tradition. Amber hung the ornaments from Darla — three glass balls, red and gold and green, that Darla bought at a craft fair in Kearney the year before she died. They go on the tree every year. They will go on the tree every year until the glass breaks or the world ends, whichever comes first.

I am making the Christmas dinner list. The full spread: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, rolls, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, the chocolate sheet cake. All of it. Every item. Because this is the first Christmas without Larry and the spread will be complete even if the table is not, because the food is the thing I can control and the absence is the thing I cannot, and I will fill the table with food because I cannot fill it with the people I have lost.

I made a practice batch of rolls tonight. The house smelled like yeast and butter and Christmas, and for a few minutes the smell was stronger than the grief, and the relief of that was so enormous I had to sit down.

That practice batch I mentioned—these are the rolls. Angel Rolls. I’ve made them for years, and I chose them again this Christmas not because they’re fancy but because they are exactly right: soft and warm and a little forgiving, the way a good holiday should feel. When I pulled them out of the oven that night and the butter smell filled the whole house, I understood why I keep coming back to them—they’re the kind of thing you make when you need the kitchen to do the heavy lifting for a while.

Angel Rolls

Prep Time: 25 min + 1 hr rise | Cook Time: 18 min | Total Time: 1 hr 45 min | Servings: 24 rolls

Ingredients

• 1 package (2 1/4 tsp) active dry yeast
• 1/4 cup warm water (110°F)
• 1 cup warm buttermilk
• 1/2 cup vegetable shortening
• 1/3 cup granulated sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
• 3 tbsp unsalted butter, melted (for brushing)

Instructions

1. Activate the yeast. In a small bowl, dissolve the yeast in warm water and let stand for 5 minutes until foamy. If it doesn’t foam, your yeast may be old—start again with a fresh packet.
2. Mix the wet ingredients. In a large bowl, combine warm buttermilk, shortening, and sugar. Stir until the shortening begins to soften. Add the yeast mixture and stir to combine.
3. Add dry ingredients. Whisk together the flour, salt, baking soda, and baking powder in a separate bowl. Add to the wet mixture one cup at a time, stirring after each addition, until a soft dough forms. The dough will be slightly sticky—that’s fine.
4. Knead the dough. Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for 6–8 minutes until smooth and elastic. Add flour a tablespoon at a time only if the dough is too sticky to handle.
5. Let it rise. Place dough in a lightly greased bowl, cover with a clean towel or plastic wrap, and let rise in a warm spot for 1 hour, or until doubled in size.
6. Shape the rolls. Punch dough down and turn out onto a floured surface. Divide into 24 equal pieces and roll each into a smooth ball. Arrange in two greased 9x13-inch baking pans, spacing them close but not touching.
7. Second rise. Cover and let rolls rise for 30 minutes, until puffed and nearly doubled. Meanwhile, preheat oven to 375°F.
8. Bake. Bake for 16–18 minutes until the tops are golden brown and the rolls sound hollow when tapped. Remove from oven and immediately brush with melted butter.
9. Serve warm. These are best pulled apart and served straight from the pan while still warm. Store leftovers in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 3 days, or freeze for up to 2 months.

Nutrition (per serving)

Calories: 148 | Protein: 3g | Fat: 5g | Carbs: 22g | Fiber: 1g | Sodium: 142mg