Soft Gingersnap Cookies

The repeat short course of radiation started Tuesday. Ten sessions this time, not thirty. Targeted to the new growth area. Two and a half weeks. Daily drives to Dana-Farber. I am down to one shift a week at the clinic. My NP classes have moved to asynchronous because my cohort advisor knew. The school has been extraordinarily flexible. I am taking the accommodation gratefully and without the guilt I might normally feel.

The drives to Dana-Farber have become a kind of quiet. Sean and I drive in silence sometimes, or with the radio low. We do not talk about the treatment. We talk about small things — the houses on the route, the way the forsythia is in full yellow on Huntington Avenue this week, a bird we saw — or we do not talk at all. The commuting is its own time. I hold his hand at red lights. I do not think he is aware I am doing it. I am aware.

Pureed soups this week. The mouth sores are worse. Sean is managing on soft and pureed foods almost entirely. I have made: pureed butternut squash with ginger and a dollop of cream; pureed cauliflower with parmesan and a little nutmeg; pureed carrot-ginger; pureed potato-leek. All strained. All at a temperature that is warm but not hot. He drinks them. He keeps them down. He has lost another two pounds this week. Total loss since baseline: eleven pounds. He is not thin yet. He has weight to lose. But the direction is not good. We are watching.

I am keeping the brown notebook. I have transcribed four more of his observations this week. The lamp on the table being a certain yellow. The way Nora pronounces "breakfast" ("brek-fuss"). The smell of the hallway carpet. These are the specific Sean observations — the little exact things he notices that most people do not. He noticed them before the diagnosis. He notices them still. The cancer has not taken his precision. I am keeping it. I am going to have these notes for the rest of my life.

Meghan visited Saturday. She brought Aidan. The cousins played. Liam was aggressive with the blocks — he took ones Aidan had been using without asking. Aidan, who is softer than Liam, started to cry quietly. Meghan saw. She quietly moved blocks back. She said "Aidan, Liam is borrowing these, okay?" Aidan nodded. Liam watched the intervention. He said "sorry Aidan." Aidan said "okay Liam." The moment resolved. Meghan did not lecture anyone. Meghan knows the household is on fire and has decided that the play sessions are for play and not for discipline. She is being the auntie they need right now. She has earned every year of that title.

Sean sat in the living room chair while the kids played. He watched. He did not speak much. He smiled when Nora announced that her stuffed cat was "on a trip." He nodded when Liam asked him if he liked his block-tower. He is present in the house but fading. I can feel it at the edges.

Ginger had been running through everything I made that week — the butternut squash soup, the carrot puree, all of it strained and cooled to just the right temperature for Sean. I could not stop reaching for it. When Saturday came and Meghan had taken the kids outside for a stretch and the kitchen was briefly, blessedly quiet, I wanted to bake something just to bake, something that filled the house with a smell that had nothing to do with illness. These soft gingersnaps were what I made. They are not a soup. They are not a medical food. They were just mine, and the ginger in them felt like a thread back to the week I had been living.

Prep Time: 15 min | Cook Time: 12 min | Total Time: 27 min | Servings: 36 cookies

Ingredients

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/4 tsp salt
3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
1 cup granulated sugar, plus 1/4 cup for rolling
1 large egg
1/4 cup unsulfured molasses
1 tsp pure vanilla extract

Instructions

Preheat and prepare. Heat oven to 350°F. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper and set aside.
Whisk dry ingredients. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, ginger, cinnamon, cloves, and salt until evenly combined.
Cream butter and sugar. In a large bowl, beat the softened butter and 1 cup of granulated sugar together with a hand mixer or stand mixer on medium speed for 2–3 minutes, until light and fluffy.
Add wet ingredients. Beat the egg, molasses, and vanilla extract into the butter mixture until fully incorporated and smooth, scraping down the sides of the bowl as needed.
Combine. Reduce mixer speed to low and gradually add the dry ingredients, mixing just until no streaks of flour remain. Do not overmix.
Shape and roll. Pour the remaining 1/4 cup sugar into a shallow bowl. Scoop the dough into 1-inch balls (about 1 tablespoon each) and roll each ball in the sugar to coat evenly. Place 2 inches apart on the prepared baking sheets.
Bake. Bake for 10–12 minutes, until the tops are just set and beginning to crack. The centers will look slightly underdone — that’s correct. Do not overbake or they will lose their softness.
Cool on pan. Let cookies rest on the baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack. They firm up as they cool but remain soft and chewy throughout.

Nutrition (per serving)

Soft Gingersnap Cookies — The Warmth I Could Still Offer