By Four weeks since. I am considering going home. I am not quite ready.
Liam asked yesterday if we are moving back to our house. I said "Buddy. We have been here because Mommy needed Grandma and Grandpa. We will go back to our house. I am not sure when. Soon." He said "I want to go home." I said "okay, Buddy. Let's think about when." He said "tomorrow." I said "not tomorrow. Soon." He said "next week." I said "maybe. Maybe next week or the week after." He said "okay. But soon." He is right. I am not going to keep him at my parents' forever. My parents are not a permanent home for us. We have a house. That house is where Daddy was, and where Mommy is, and where the kids grew up. We will go back.
Grace called. Grace wants to come stay for a week when we go back. I said yes. Grace will help us move back in. Grace will help me unpack the things I have not unpacked for four weeks. I have not been in the house since I left for my parents' four weeks ago.
The hospital bed was picked up the week after Sean died — my mother arranged it. I did not have to. The room is cleared. The house is empty. Linda has been checking on it weekly. Everything is fine.
I am going to set a date to go back. Tuesday next week. I will tell the kids Monday. I will tell my mother Sunday. I will pack the car. Meghan will come help. Grace will come Tuesday evening.
I am making myself do this. I am telling the page so that I commit. I am committing.
The kids are bored of the three-decker. They love their grandparents but they want their own toys, their own rooms, their own routine. They have been remarkably patient. I have been holding them here because I could not face the house. I have to face it.
I still have not cooked. I will cook when we are home. The first meal in the house will be hard. I will do it anyway. I will make something simple. I will make scrambled eggs. Maybe. Maybe something else. I will figure out what on the day.
I am writing again because I promised Sean I would keep writing. I am not writing well. I am writing what I can. It is enough for now.
I said scrambled eggs, but I think I was lying to myself. When I walk back into that kitchen — our kitchen — I want to make something that takes a little time, something that fills the house with a smell that says we live here again. Bread pudding is forgiving and unhurried and the kind of thing Sean would have eaten two bowls of without being asked. I will make it on that first Tuesday, and I will let it mean what it means.
Raisin Date Bread Pudding
Prep Time: 20 minutes | Cook Time: 50 minutes | Total Time: 1 hour 10 minutes | Servings: 8
Ingredients
- 6 cups day-old bread, cut into 1-inch cubes (about half a loaf)
- 1/2 cup raisins
- 1/2 cup pitted dates, roughly chopped
- 3 cups whole milk
- 3 large eggs
- 1/2 cup granulated sugar
- 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted, plus more for greasing
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
- Pinch of salt
Instructions
- Preheat and prep. Heat oven to 350°F. Butter a 9x13-inch baking dish generously and set aside.
- Layer the bread. Spread the bread cubes evenly in the prepared baking dish. Scatter the raisins and chopped dates over and between the bread cubes.
- Make the custard. In a large bowl, whisk together the milk, eggs, sugar, melted butter, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt until smooth and fully combined.
- Soak. Pour the custard evenly over the bread. Press the bread gently with the back of a spoon so it absorbs the liquid. Let it soak for 15 minutes at room temperature.
- Bake. Transfer the dish to the oven and bake for 45—50 minutes, until the top is golden brown and the center is just set with no visible jiggle. A knife inserted in the middle should come out mostly clean.
- Rest and serve. Let the pudding rest for 10 minutes before cutting. Serve warm, as-is or with a spoonful of whipped cream or a drizzle of heavy cream.
Nutrition (per serving)
Calories: 275 | Protein: 8g | Fat: 7g | Carbs: 45g | Fiber: 2g | Sodium: 215mg