Nutty Barley Bake

Grace left Sunday. A week in the house. She left the fridge full. She had made and frozen four casseroles. She had stocked the pantry. She had organized the mudroom. She had cleaned out the closet in the master bedroom — asking me first, once, whether I wanted help with Sean's clothes. I had said "not yet. I will do it when I can." She had agreed. She had not touched his closet. She had organized around it. I will do his closet when I can. Not yet.

This is the first week of the three of us alone in the house. Me and Liam and Nora. Just us. We did not have a Saturday meal with Southie this week — I said no. Maureen pushed back. I held. Meghan backed me up. I needed one week of just us. Maureen said okay. She came down Saturday afternoon for two hours with soup. She did not stay. She dropped it off. She left. She is trying. She does not know how to let me be alone. I am learning how to make her let me be alone.

I made pasta with butter for the kids three nights this week. I am only cooking the most basic things. I will build up. For now it is pasta with butter and salt. Pasta with butter and olive oil. Pasta with jarred sauce. It is fine. The kids are eating. The food is going down. I am eating some. I am drinking broth from the freezer — I had made a lot of broth before Sean died. It is holding me.

I walk a lot. I walk to Linda's in the afternoon. I walk around the block. I walk the kids to the park. I walk because Dr. Patel told me to and because motion is the only thing that does not make me want to lie down forever.

Liam asked Thursday when he goes back to preschool. School starts in two weeks. I said "Buddy. You start kindergarten in two weeks." He said "kindergarten?" I said "yes. You are going to a new school. At the elementary school." He said "Miss Alicia?" I said "no, Buddy. Not Miss Alicia. She is at the preschool. You are going to a big school now. You will have a new teacher. Her name is Mrs. Patel." He said "oh." He said "that is different." I said "yes. We will visit next week. We will see the school before you start." He said "okay." He went back to his trucks.

Nora is starting preschool — the Quincy one — in two weeks also. Three days a week. Her first preschool. She has asked about it a lot. She is three and a half. She is ready for something more than home.

The summer is ending. The fall is coming. I have an appointment with the NP program Monday to discuss my re-entry plan. I will be back in classes in January, after a fall deferral. I will need to find part-time work. I have told the clinic I need to transition — I cannot go back to oncology. The clinic understood. They are helping me look for a community health role.

I am starting over. I am thirty-two. I am starting over.

I kept telling myself I’d cook something real — something that required more than boiling water and opening a jar — and by Thursday I finally managed it. Pasta with butter had carried us through the hardest nights, but I wanted something that could sit in the oven and take care of itself while I walked the kids to the park and back. This nutty barley bake was exactly that: I put it together, slid it in, and let it do its work while we did ours. It felt like a small step back toward feeding us the way I want to.

Prep Time: 10 minutes | Cook Time: 55 minutes | Total Time: 1 hour 5 minutes | Servings: 4

Ingredients

1 cup pearl barley, rinsed
1/2 cup sliced almonds or chopped walnuts
1/2 cup diced onion
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 1/2 cups low-sodium chicken or vegetable broth
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley (optional, for serving)

Instructions

Preheat oven. Heat your oven to 350°F (175°C). Lightly grease a 2-quart baking dish.
Toast the nuts. In a small skillet over medium heat, toast the almonds or walnuts for 2—3 minutes, stirring often, until lightly golden and fragrant. Set aside.
Sauté the onion. In the same skillet, melt the butter over medium heat. Add the diced onion and cook for 4—5 minutes until softened and translucent.
Combine in baking dish. Add the rinsed barley, toasted nuts, and sautéed onion to the prepared baking dish. Stir to combine. Season with garlic powder, salt, and pepper.
Add broth and bake. Pour the broth over the barley mixture and stir gently. Cover tightly with foil and bake for 50—55 minutes, until the barley is tender and the liquid is absorbed.
Rest and serve. Remove from the oven and let sit, covered, for 5 minutes. Fluff with a fork, garnish with fresh parsley if using, and serve warm.

Nutrition (per serving)

Nutty Barley Bake — The Week We Found Our Footing Again