Haluski -- The Small Spoons of Comfort We Could Still Offer

Sean cannot read bedtime stories anymore. Wednesday night he tried. He had Liam on his lap on the chair in Liam's room, and he opened Where the Wild Things Are, and his eyes could not track the line. He said "Kate." He said it from the chair. I came in. I saw his face. He said "my eyes are not working with the words." I said "Sean. It is okay." I said to Liam "Daddy's eyes are tired tonight. Let's have Mommy read while Daddy holds you." Liam said "okay." Sean held him. I read. I did the voices. I did Max's gnashing of his terrible teeth, the way Sean does. Sean mouthed the words. He knew the book. He could still do the voices in his head. When I finished, Liam said "Mommy that was good." Sean squeezed Liam's shoulder. Sean said "that was good, Mommy. Right?" Liam said "very good." I turned off the light.

I cried in the bathroom after. Not long. Three minutes. Then I washed my face. Then I made tea. Then I worked on NP homework for ninety minutes. The night continued. But something had changed. He cannot read bedtime stories. That is a door that has closed. I am going to keep reading bedtime stories. I am going to read them for the rest of my life, probably. But he started them. He will not be finishing them.

Thursday I told Meghan about it. On the phone. Eleven PM. Our nightly call. She said "Katie." She let the silence sit. She said "I am coming Saturday." She came Saturday. She brought Aidan. They stayed all day. She cooked. She did laundry. She took the kids to the park for two hours. I sat with Sean. I read aloud to him. He asked for a specific book — a collection of James Baldwin essays he had taught for years and loved. I read "Notes of a Native Son" to him. He mouthed along with some of the more familiar passages. He closed his eyes at one point and I stopped. He said "keep going, Kate." I kept going. He was listening. The essay takes forty minutes to read aloud, maybe more if you pace it. I read the whole thing. He said "thank you." He slept.

Meghan and I sat in the kitchen when she came back. She said "Kate. It is close." She said it gently. She said "I do not mean next week. I mean the horizon is close. You need to know I see it too." I said "I see it." She said "how are you holding up." I said "I do not know." She said "you are doing it." I said "I am doing it." She held my hand. She did not cry. I did not cry. We finished our tea. She drove home.

The comfort foods this week — things he will touch, in very small amounts. A spoon of mashed potato. A spoon of bone broth. A spoon of banana. A spoon of yogurt with honey. I feed him when he needs. He does feed himself when he can. The small spoons of things are how we are eating now.

The week called for the softest, most forgiving things I knew how to make—things that asked nothing of anyone, that were just warm and present and there. Haluski is that for me: buttered egg noodles, cabbage gone tender and sweet in the pan, onion cooked until it nearly disappears. It is the kind of food that does not announce itself. It just sits beside you. I made a big pot of it the Sunday after Meghan left, and I ate it standing at the counter, and it was exactly right.

Haluski

Prep Time: 10 minutes | Cook Time: 30 minutes | Total Time: 40 minutes | Servings: 6

Ingredients

• 12 oz wide egg noodles
• 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, divided
• 1 large yellow onion, thinly sliced
• 1 small head green cabbage (about 1 1/2 lbs), cored and thinly sliced
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 teaspoon salt, plus more for pasta water
• 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon caraway seeds (optional)
• Fresh parsley, chopped, for serving (optional)

Instructions

1. Cook the noodles. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Cook egg noodles according to package directions until just tender. Drain and set aside, tossing with a small knob of butter to prevent sticking.
2. Soften the onion. In a large, deep skillet or Dutch oven, melt 4 tablespoons of butter over medium heat. Add the sliced onion and cook, stirring occasionally, for 8–10 minutes until soft and beginning to turn golden.
3. Add the cabbage. Add the remaining butter and the sliced cabbage to the pan. Stir to combine with the onion. Cook over medium heat, stirring every few minutes, for 15–18 minutes until the cabbage is very tender and lightly caramelized at the edges.
4. Add garlic and season. Stir in the minced garlic and caraway seeds if using. Cook 1–2 minutes more until fragrant. Season with salt and pepper, adjusting to taste.
5. Combine and finish. Add the drained egg noodles to the skillet and toss everything together gently over low heat until the noodles are well coated and heated through, about 2 minutes.
6. Serve. Portion into bowls and top with fresh parsley if desired. Serve warm.

Nutrition (per serving)

Calories: 370 | Protein: 9g | Fat: 17g | Carbs: 46g | Fiber: 4g | Sodium: 390mg